Emails, Emails Everywhere and Not a One to Read

23 02 2011

Once I had posted my profile online, it didn’t take long before I had several emails in my inbox.  I looked at each email and filtered them according to my initial gut reaction.  Now, of course, there was no exact science to my screening methodology, but if I were to apply a few rules going forward, they would look roughly like this:

Rules for Online Dating Emails

  1. Any man whose profile features him taking a picture of himself shirtless in a bathroom mirror will be immediately eliminated.  As Republican Congressman Christopher Lee can attest, this is never a good idea.  I don’t care how sexy a man thinks he is; he should keep his shirt on.  The message this sends is not one I’m interested in, so I deleted these emails without responding.
  2. Any man whose profile features him posing in camouflage with a high-powered rifle and a dead animal will be immediately eliminated.  The same goes for any man posing with a big, dead fish.  Now, it’s not that I’m an animal rights activist or a vegan.  I grew up on a farm, and I can butcher my own chickens.  But again, it has more to do with what the image conveys.  For me, a picture like this does not say, “Honey, don’t worry.  If we hit peak oil, I’ll go out and bag us a deer for dinner.”  No.  What I get is more of a creepy, right-wing, Ted Nugent image in my mind, and I start to imagine that I would spend my time living in a cabin, drinking cheap beer, dodging dead animals hanging in my garage, and staring at a glassy-eyed ruminant above my fireplace.  NOT gonna happen.  I did not respond to any of these gentlemen either.  Happy hunting to you sirs!
  3. Last but certainly not least, I eliminated any email that was less than 140 characters long.  Examples were things like, “Hey, how are you doing?” or “I like your smile.”  I’m a fairly articulate woman, and I need someone with a brain.  Any man I will want to date will also need to be able to use said brain to initiate a conversation.  I figure a tweet is 140 characters.  If a man doesn’t have at least 140 characters in his arsenal, we don’t have much of a future.  All emails that left me wondering why the sender had bothered were eliminated.

Now,  if I’m trying to meet 100 men, people  may be wondering why I would be so selective.  If I had not applied the above rules, I could have gone on at least twenty dates by now.  But it has to be said, although I’m looking for quantity, I’m still looking for quality.  My therapist said Jewish doctor, remember?  Although you can apparently find half-naked Congressmen online, it’s still important to me that the person be someone I find attractive, and sleazy, creepy, and inarticulate are not appealing to me.

On that note, I need to go check my inbox.

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6 responses

23 02 2011
Kathy D

Okay, I know I said I never sign up for stuff like this, but sweetie, I’m hooked. If this doesn’t end up as a book or a movie, there is no justice in the world.

ooxx,
K

9 03 2011
Help Wanted: Dating Intern « My Dating Prescription

[…] fact, numerous times per week, I receive an email from Plentyoffish stating that someone wants to ‘Meet Me,’ and typically my reaction upon opening the link is something like, “Ugh, oh my god,” […]

14 03 2011
Craigslist Crap Shoot « My Dating Prescription

[…] find additional ways to filter through the emails.  My first step was to apply the rules stated in Emails, Emails Everywhere and Not a One to Read.  I did not respond to shirtless men, men with dead animals, or men who didn’t put any […]

7 05 2011
Man #14, Bitter Boy « My Dating Prescription

[…] before how I dislike one sentence emails, but I had found myself being a little lax on the 140 character email rule.  I’m going to dedicate an entire post to a rant regarding texts, emails, and men at a […]

2 03 2012
Big Fish « My Dating Prescription

[…] I know I said I would not be responding to emails sent by men who posed with dead fish in their profile pictures, but I may need to reconsider. Rate […]

19 07 2012
Things That Make You Go Hmm « My Dating Prescription

[…] Emails, Emails Everywhere and Not a One to Read, I shared some of the criteria I use in my decision-making process when determining whether or not […]

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