Searching for Mr. Fix-it

4 03 2011

If online dating sites really wanted to make their websites useful to single women everywhere, they would put their search features on steroids.

Yesterday during the storm, the wind knocked down three huge branches from the eighty foot fir tree in my backyard.  All of the branches had diameters thicker than your average Christmas tree and were about twenty feet long.  I’m lucky they didn’t crash through a window.  They came down right outside my back door, so I had to drag this huge tangle of branches off to one side to get from my car to the door of my house.  In order to really dispose of the mess, I will need a chainsaw and more energy and strength than I possess. 

That got me thinking about something else I have never been very good at, choosing manly  men with mechanical skills and a testosterone-driven urge to fix things.  I would have decided long ago that this male archetype was a myth were it not for one of my single girlfriends, Samantha.  Sam has a man she calls Fix-it Fred.  They dated for a short period of time, but she can still call upon him to take care of odd jobs around her house.  As impressive as that is, Fred’s not her first handyman, and I envy her ability, not only to attract, but to keep and actually put to work these men of mechanical acumen.

As I looked around my own home I saw so many things that could use attention.  In addition to the storm clean-up needed in the backyard, there was the loose faucet in the bathroom.  There was a set screw on my bedroom doorknob that I couldn’t get quite tight enough to keep the knob from falling off, and there was the broken kitchen drawer that would require a whole reworking of the cabinet face to be fixed properly.

I need a man who knows how to use a hammer and a screw gun.

So, I started thinking, “I wonder if I can find my own Fix-it Fred on Match.com?”

I went to the Search page and tried typing in “fix.”  Surely there was a man out there somewhere with a username like MrFixIt or some derivative thereof.  I was looking for anyone with the word ‘fix’ in the name.  I got nothing.  Nada.  Apparently, on Match you must have the username exactly right, or it won’t pull up anything.

I tried a keyword search for the words ‘fix’ and ‘mechanic.’  My car needs an oil change too.  Nothing.

The top result I received was a man who was in executive management and who felt it necessary to remark in his profile that he plucks his eyebrows.  I don’t know about you, but I’m thinking the guy I’m looking for to do the odd jobs around my house is not someone with whom I would need to fight for the tweezer.  I could be wrong.  I’m trying to keep an open mind.

The second guy was a techie, and I didn’t see anything in his profile that would indicate to me that he would be able to do any work on my car or my cabinets.

What good is this database of men if you can’t get something fixed when you need it?   Match is really missing an opportunity.  I would pay a little bit more for my membership if I knew I could find men with certain skills when I needed them.

Next, I went to Plentyoffish and tried the same thing.  I again typed in ‘fix.’  This time, I got a screen full of users both male and female with usernames with the word fix in them.  Unfortunately, most of the people who call themselves “fixsomething” appear to live in London, and of course, using this search term you also get results like “fixation.” 

Dangerous.  NOT going there.

The mechanic results on Plentyoffish were better, but the closest mechanic lived in Portland, Oregon.  Bummer.

Now, some of you may be appalled that I’m even considering using these online dating sites in this way, but hey, I have 97 more men to meet and I have things that need to get done around here.  Why not kill two birds with one stone?  Besides, there are so many men out there using online dating sites to hook up with women that they can use for sex, I think it’s only fair that I should be able to search for a man who could perform a more practical form of screwing.

I’m just saying.

I guess I’ll spend my weekend cutting up a tree.

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11 responses

4 03 2011
Ann

I met a guy last summer that wanted to help me paint my house and put a new roof on it. Problem was he was a racist, not attractive to me AT ALL and not particulary intelligent. I thought maybe if I got drunk enough I could tolerate it….no. Didn’t go there. Fix it Fred actually was the one who told me “don’t go there”.

4 03 2011
mydatingprescription

I think Fix-it Fred is a rare find. I did also find a mechanic in Kent when I searched using ‘mech,’ but he was bald and only 5′-4″.

4 03 2011
evil

my oh my…I think this is about the best blog I have read in a long time!

4 03 2011
Sony

I think you’re onto something.

6 03 2011
Laura

You talk about the pink elephant in the room! Refreshing and strong stuff. After learning to RUN from the techies and the artists, I married a Fix-It Fred! Truly a rare bird these days. Bushy eyebrows (my guy has them, too!), good hands, looks you straight in the eye. I vote for a trip to Portland so you can meet the mechanic!

6 03 2011
mydatingprescription

The only problem is that I don’t know if my car will make it. 🙂

12 03 2011
CMSSLPG

Mechanic from Portland? Mechanic should have working car! Drive to Seattle…. Fix Fix Fix… Fun Fun Fun!
Laura may be on to something!

25 09 2011
Man #21, Knight in Wrinkled Clothing « My Dating Prescription

[…] I have to say; I sort of liked that he was coming to my rescue. I’ve probably mentioned this already, but I like chivalry and I wrote an entire post on how I wanted to find a man who can fix things. […]

25 09 2011
Struggling Dad

Just linked here from today’s post..

I worked with a lady consultant for a few years. He was from Florida and had an apartment here in the DC area.

Her husband was a general DIY guy and came up to visit her for 6 weeks at a time. (She was the major breadwinner for their household.) as he had nothing to do during the day, and his wife and I were good friend, he ended up doing some work for me for a ridiculously cheap rate. I knew almost nothing about DIY before then. He taught me carpentry, plumbing, electrical, etc. because I wasn’t competing with him for work and he loved the discussions about how to tend to my 50-year old house. He also taught me which tools to get, which are useless, etc.

Having said all that, I’d never mention it on a dating website (if I ever join one) because I’d end up becoming an unpaid contractor for my new partner! (In an established neighborhood like mine, everyone has things they’d like to do, like change the doors, update the baseboards, take down a wall, or run Ethernet/RG6 cabling, etc. So maybe that’s why other guys don’t say too much about their DIY skills?

PS: Stop using my photo.. 🙂

25 09 2011
Struggling Dad

My God…using an iPhone to type replies results in so many minor errors, you’ll think I’m illiterate…darn.

25 09 2011
mydatingprescription

I think you’re right. Most guys won’t mention DIY skill in their profiles, however, I have seen a few profiles where guys talk about spending time in the garage because they have major hobbies like woodworking or automotive restoration. I wouldn’t want to just meet a guy to have him fix things, but what I want to get away from are guys who break things and don’t either fix or replace what they’ve destroyed. That’s fucking annoying.

If you would stop taking your shirt off, maybe your picture wouldn’t be all over the internet. Geez! 🙂

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