The Dating Blues

5 03 2011

It had been over a week since I had last heard from The Blues Man.   No second phone call.  No additional emails.  No date.  

What the hell?

I thought our first date had gone really well.  He had even said we should go out again.  Twice, maybe even three times if I remembered right.  He had said it once when I came back from the restroom, in the bar as we were putting our coats on, and again when we were saying good-bye in the parking lot.

But nothing.

I really didn’t know what to think.  Why would someone go to the trouble to say such a thing if they had no intention of following through?  It did not make sense.  It was like, “I’ll call you,” only worse.  I didn’t get it.

I don’t understand why men do this.  What’s the point?  Wouldn’t it make more sense to simply say, “It was really nice meeting you, but (insert reason here).  Good luck in your search.”  Maybe men are just trying to keep their options open when they do this. Maybe they think they’re being nice.  Or, maybe it’s simply the strategy they feel will ensure them the easiest, drama-free exit. 

Not that I’m prone to drama, but there’s no way a man on a first date would know that.

Of course, I found myself doing what a lot of women do in this situation.  I started to think about what it was about me he must not have liked.  With almost 80 pounds to lose, of course, I figured it had to be that he thought I was too fat.  No amount of Spanx compression could hide that amount of weight.  That had to be it. 

If dating had done nothing else for me, it had made me suddenly care about my appearance again.  I had gained a lot of weight while I was married.  Sixty of my 80 extra pounds had been packed on as I had become increasingly stressed out and depressed about my marriage.  I had simply given up.  Rather than face the cold, hard facts about my marriage, I had chosen to sit at home alone every night waiting for my husband to come home, and  drown myself in a fog of carbs.  Red wine, pizza, red wine, popcorn, more red wine, more red wine, more red wine, pasta, beer, pizza, beer, red wine.  You get the idea.  I had stopped cooking dinner for him, and opted for greasy take-out and whatever alcohol was in the house to take the edge off.  It had been my upright, functional version of what I really had wanted to do, which was to crawl into bed with a bottle of vodka, some painkillers, and a box of Kleenex, and cry myself into a long, dark sleep.

But, a weight had been lifted almost as soon as my husband moved out of the house, and I was starting to feel happy again.  In fact, I was happier than I had been in years.  The fact that I now wanted to start working on myself again was actually a sign that I was snapping out of my depression, and I realized that this was what my therapist had been talking about when he said dating would be good for my self-esteem.  Rather than watch me give up, he wanted me up, off of the couch, and out there living my life.  Somehow, it was working.  The old me, the one before I was married, who valued her health and her appearance, was making her comeback.

I had to get back to my dating weight.

I had been working out almost every day, and in fact, I had lost 4 pounds since my date with The Blues Man the week before.   The possibility that The Blues Man had rejected me because of my weight didn’t really matter.  The important thing was that I was finally motivated to make some changes for the better.

The sad thing about The Blues Man though was that I had really liked him.  He had made me laugh and had seemed like the down to earth kind of guy I could have just hung out with doing karaoke, practiced playing music together, or talked with for hours.  If nothing else, he had seemed like he could have been a truly good friend, and the absence of that possibility gave me the blues.

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8 responses

5 03 2011
ElderBaud

And yet, there will be 98 more to choose from!

5 03 2011
Ann

Been there, done that, bought the tshirt. I can’t figure it out either. Stay busy, don’t sit around wondering “why” or “what if” like you’re doing. It’s his loss. And as I type this, I’m waiting for someone to call and confirm our date for tonight……maybe I’ll work out today. Thanks for the inspiration.

5 03 2011
evilEvan

NEXT! You have 98 more to go…:)

3 07 2012
DocD

I find myself wondering how you are doing now. I see the date on your lovely writing as March 2011. I just started daing in about March of this year and although I feel my self-esteem firmly placed, I am baffled by the behavior of the on-line and dating behavior. Some of course are just fine, but I feel no attraction at all (sad). Others are rude, others say what they think you want to hear, still others say what they hope to be but aren’t and they don’t even have the awareness to know that. I hate to say it, because in general I’m such a hopeful person, but the odds seem so astoundingly stacked against finding a good match. How do we help ourselves and each other to tolerate the disappointments? Gee, I really thought I was built out of more resiliant stuff than this! The last thing I want to become in bitter or negative. Argh! No, I must resist. This morning I was trying to find the humor in this, somewhere. Please, let me find the humor in this stuff. So, before work I was washing a dish or two when that old song about the ant and the rubber tree plant came into my head and I laughed. Yep, that’s it, my failing was that I had “high hopes.” Logically, I know the odds are not very good in dating, but the wish for the feeling of a good match, friendship, and at least some passion is so potent that I think I just want the odds to be higher and not to have to wait and experience the let downs. What is the saying, get knocked down 8 times and get up 9. I need to remember that.

3 07 2012
Wilma

Thanks for your comment, DocD. I think the one thing that has allowed me to keep a brighter perspective on this whole online dating thing is that I’m approaching it from the simple stance of simply getting back out there. Yes, I really liked The Blues Man, but if you keep reading you will find that I have even come to a realization about him. Yes, dating gets daunting sometimes, but I view the first date as just a date, nothing more. If it goes sideways, I try to find a way to laugh about it (and, hopefully, make you laugh about it too.) There are liars and cheats and crazies all around us, and yet I still hold out hope that there will be someone for me. I only need one.

3 07 2012
DocD

Thanks for your thoughts. I read the whole post from March 2011. Is there more someplace else?

3 07 2012
Wilma

Yes. I don’t know where you started, but the first one is called The Prescription. Once you find that one, then at the end of each post on the lower, right-hand side before the comments, you should see a link to the next post. It’s sort of like turning the pages of a book. If you don’t see it, let me know.

23 07 2012
The Leading Man and Important Lessons « My Dating Prescription

[…] date with The Blues Man. The Blues Man had also said we should go out again and left me wondering what was wrong with me. This time, however, with The Leading Man, I just quietly let things fade away, went on about my […]

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