Help Wanted: Dating Intern

9 03 2011

After posting my note about deciding that I might need to speed date, I received the question, “What’s the hurry?

There’s really no hurry, I guess.  But, I had forgotten how much work goes into online dating.  I’m only two completed dates in and I’m quickly becoming fed up with the process.  I wish I had an assistant or a Human Resources manager who could do the initial screenings, send introduction emails, and conduct initial interviews for me.   It’s so tedious, I just want to poke my eyes out with a sharp stick. 

For every date produced, I probably end up looking at over 100 men, rejecting 80% of them, and sending a handful of emails.  In fact, numerous times per week, I receive an email from Plentyoffish stating that someone wants to ‘Meet Me,’ and typically my reaction upon opening the link is something like, “Ugh, oh my god,” before I quickly close the website.  It’s the same reaction I have when I discover a forgotten container in the back of my refrigerator, open it, and realize I could have gone my whole life without seeing what’s inside.

When you really get into the numbers, this means I have taken on a VERY big project.  It could be three years before I date 100 men.  I’m convinced. My therapist is a nut job!

And, it’s not as fun as I thought it would be.  Men on online dating sites are really not very fun.  They’re not.

They go on and on in their profiles about the woman they want.  Their lists of requirements are typically so long they will never find the woman that will fit them.  And, in addition to that, most of them do not break their bios into paragraphs, which I find EXTREMELY annoying.  English 101 people!  If you change topics, it’s time to add a little white space.

What I need, I think, is a dating intern, or a picky, protective grandmother with good taste who could conduct my screenings for me.  The latter would probably be difficult to find, due to the differing tastes of the older generation, so I’m thinking the dating intern is the way to go. 

Since my therapist told me to be on the look out for a Jewish doctor, the ideal candidate is a young woman from a good Jewish family who had a very expensive Bat Mitzvah at the Four Seasons (or insert comparable, expensive venue here.)  Since I cannot discriminate based on race or religion, however, alternatively, she may have had a $50,000+ Quinceañera or debutante ball.  She has high standards and good taste, is detail-oriented, well-organized, can smell bullshit from a mile away, and won’t back down in a negotiation.

Actually, now that I’ve thought of it through further, I think a strong, Jewish grandmother (is there any other kind) or young, cute gay boy with impeccable standards could accomplish the same tasks.

So back to the discussion of “Why the hurry?”  It’s not so important that I hurry, it’s just that I need to find a way to make this process more fun and interesting.  Every day Match.com sends me 5 new matches in what they call their Daily 5.  The process of spending time online, alone with my laptop, going through my potential matches is not as entertaining as it would be if I were doing it with, say, a dating intern, a gay friend, a grandmother, or girlfriends.  There has to be a way to make this more fun.

Add a little wine or martinins and I think there may be a party theme there somewhere.

So, why speed dating?  Well, I have never done it before, and I think it would help me switch things up a little.  While you may not agree with my methods, I think I would also be tempted to count these meetings as dates even though they are marketed as “pre-dating” events.  I don’t know.  I will have to make that determination when I get there.

I’m open to suggestions, but I need FUN, and online dating may be a lot of things, but it is NOT fun.

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6 responses

9 03 2011
Ann

I’d go with a cute gay guy. Think of the fun and oh, how snide he would be. But he would probably also eliminate most of the guys. “Ewwww. He’s gross.” and he’d be right. Hang in there, girl. They’re not all frogs-there’s a few princes out there.

10 03 2011
Laura

“She has high standards and good taste, is detail-oriented, well-organized, can smell bullshit from a mile away, and won’t back down in a negotiation.” Holy crap! You’re so on it. Single or not, that’s what every girl needs: someone who has their back.

The whole online thing bummed me out, too. To increase the fun / interesting factor, a couple ideas popped into my mind: It’s Just Lunch, Events & Adventures, a local matchmaking agency. Cost aside, the theory is that quality people go to quality places to meet other quality people.

And I CANNOT wait to hear about speed-dating!

11 03 2011
evilEvan

Search on dating coach Seattle…there are several people advertising dating consulting services. Again great post!!!

12 03 2011
CMSSLPG

been there done that….lots of fun, 4.5 yrs, 100+++ men, Bingo!

17 10 2011
Chicago-Style Girl

Can I just say that I love that you are informed of all the different coming-of-age traditions for the different types of American culture? I’m a new follower, so I’m reading through all your old posts. Love this blog!

17 10 2011
mydatingprescription

Thank you, CSG! I’m glad you’re enjoying it.

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