The Friend Zone

13 04 2011

(Sound of clock ticking.)

(The ticking grows louder.  The camera zooms in on the second hand of a clock hanging on the wall.)

No, seriously.  I need to stop.  It’s not like I’m just sitting around waiting to find out whether or not The Blues Man is interested in kissing me.  I have a date with Man #10 all lined up for tomorrow night, and Man #11 and Man #12 are in the calendar for next week. 

It feels good to finally hit the double digits.  It only took me two and a half months.  Oh my god, I WILL be 100 before I date 100 men! Well, no, maybe just 44.

Anyway, one thing I have noticed about The Blues Man is that he doesn’t move very fast.  I suppose, in some ways, that’s one of the things I like about him.  He’s not pushy, and his emails never make me feel uncomfortable.  He also almost always refers to me as Ms._____, which I think is sort of polite and cute at the same time.  He’s good for about one email per day.  Maybe he’s pacing himself. 

HOWEVER, a day feels like eons when you’re waiting to find out whether a man wants to kiss you or not.

(Sound of clock ticking.)

I’ve started to think that his slow responses are an indication that he’s not really attracted to me in a romantic way.  I mean, if a guy is really into a woman, he’ll put more into the pursuit, won’t he? 

He did email me after a month and a half though.  Most people on match.com would not bother to do that if they weren’t a little interested.

I’m pissed at myself for even giving it this much thought.  I have 91 more men to date for f*ck sake!

I think The Blues Man thinks I’m funny and he enjoyed hanging out with me on the one date that we had, but maybe he’s not attracted to me in “that way.”  I’m beginning to wonder if I may have entered the “friend zone,” and the friend zone is never good.

I did a little research to see what so-called dating experts suggest for anyone who feels they may have been sucked into the friend zone, and, as one would suspect, most of the articles are written for men.  I’m guilty of putting men in the friend zone a lot in the past, and in a way, this blog is one gigantic friend zone. Maybe I’m just finally getting a taste of my own bad medicine.

While I’m waiting for a response from The Blues Man, let’s look at the strategies I found for escaping the friend zone, shall we?  Here’s what I found:

  1. Break the “nice guy” or “sweet girl” stereotype.  I think this usually happens when the person in the friend zone doesn’t communicate their desire for a relationship.  They’re too nice to state their feelings upfront and don’t want to risk the relationship or don’t want to make the other person uncomfortable.  In a way, as botched as his attempt was, the Scorekeeper’s request for a kiss was a good way of avoiding the friend zone.  Well, in my case, I’ve asked The Blues Man for a kiss. Not much more I can do there or I would be violating strategy #2.
  2. Don’t be needy!  desperation is unattractive.  If it seems like you’re way more interested in the other party than they are in you or that you NEED a relationship, you may be sending out a vibe that is killing attraction.  STOP IT!  Get a life.  Find something else to do.  For example, you could go write a blog post instead of sending the person an email.  I try to stick to the 1 to 1 rule for emails and text messages just to avoid appearing too needy.  It could work for you too.
  3. Touch them.  Friends touch differently than romantic partners touch each other.  There are platonic and romantic ways to touch and each person will have different boundaries around touch.  If you’re afraid to touch the other person, they may never know that you want more from the relationship.  You could touch their arm, shoulder, hair, even reach for their hand.  If your touch feels uncomfortable to them, they will let you know.
  4. Consider the differences between a friendship and a romantic relationship. For some people a romantic relationship should start as a great friendship with physical intimacy thrown into the mix.  If this is you, then it’s understandable to look for common interests first, and wait for the physical attraction to kick in later. I have often felt that I would rather have a “When Harry Met Sally” kind of relationship than one based on lusty infatuation.  The latter tends to fizzle fairly quickly.  That said, some people don’t see relationships this way, and expect a “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” to play a particular role in their lives in order for physical attraction to emerge. Many people (both male and female) expect to be courted in some way.  Ask the person you’re pining for what he or she wants in a girlfriend or boyfriend, and then decide whether you can be that for them.
  5. Don’t tie up your feelings on someone who is not romantically interested in you.  Basically, don’t hang around in the friend zone, pining over a person who will likely remain emotionally unavailable to you.  There are other fish in the sea, so go fishing.  One article I found on the friend zone said to let the person know they had competition.  Well, that would be fine in this case except The Blues Man doesn’t yet know about my blog.  Yeah, that’s right.  How’s that for a plot twist?  I’ve totally screwed this one up.  You see, I started the blog and had my first date, with him, before I had my shit together.  I’ve been trying to find a good time to bring it up.  He’s got competition alright.  Too bad he doesn’t know about it yet.  I need to fix the situation as soon as possible.

Either way I’m totally screwed.

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10 responses

13 04 2011
northquirk

excellent words of wisdom! I admire your tenacity and honesty with this project. I gave online dating a whirl earlier this year and didn’t make it to even ten dates before I bailed. Just keep in mind that if the Blues Man is worth kissing, he’ll make a move and will understand this blog.

14 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Thanks for following along. I know you’re right about the Blues Man, but it’s going to be an awkward conversation to have. That’s for sure!

14 04 2011
Surrey gal

Thank you for that! I need to go fishing! And touching because I seem to befriend men more often than woo them into romance :/

14 04 2011
mydatingprescription

We’ve all been there. I need to be better at following my own advice. Here’s to touching fish!! 🙂

14 04 2011
mydatingprescription

That sounds sort of wrong, doesn’t it?

14 04 2011
Surrey gal

I think it’s great! A new catch phrase that accomodates flirting, romancing, and getting what we want – touching fish! 😀

14 04 2011
DKL

#1 is me. I always try to avoid ‘doing the thing that cannot be undone’. But really, that’s exactly what I SHOULD do to make a situation move forward. Anyway, enough about me…good luck with the Blues Man, or whatever other worthy suitor you have yet to encounter.

14 04 2011
mydatingprescription

I’ve been guilty of all 5 at various times in my life. Asking for a kiss was VERY unlike me. It must be this whole new risk taking thing I’ve got going.

22 04 2011
Man #12, The Stagehand « My Dating Prescription

[…] Anyway, it was a nice date; we had a great time, but no major sparks.  There was a second there where I considered kissing him, but I was deterred by red onions.  I gave him a hug instead.  It’s probably for the best anyway.  He’s a really nice guy who would be fun to hang out with, but I think he would end up in the friend zone. […]

23 04 2011
First date with Single Sexy Dad. « Surrey gal, children, dating and a new life

[…] another reservation – are we entering the “friend zone” (Mydatingprescription was talking about it) – there was no touching, not flirting, no kiss or hug, no holding […]

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