Man #11, Il Mio Nonno Italiano

18 04 2011

I’ll be the first person to admit that I have a weakness for Italian men.  The wavy black hair, the olive skin, and the sexy accent always get me.  God forbid one of them call me “bella mia.”  Agh!  It makes me crazy.  So when one of these specimens showed up in my inbox on Match.com I thought I had hit the jackpot!

Ooo, mi piace un sacco.  (Me likey big time.)

I went straight to the photos.

One of the photos in his profile featured Man #11 sitting at a bar, smiling mischievously, with a glass of red wine.  Nice.  Another, was a full-body shot, which showed him standing in a white button-front shirt, cuffs turned back with the front unbuttoned low enough to expose a little chest hair.  He was on the top of a hill with a vista behind him that HAD to be somewhere in Tuscany.  Double nice.  The third and final photo was a shot of him standing next to a convertible Mercedes with a paper bag of groceries, complete with baguette sticking up from the top of the bag.

Ok, even I thought this last one was a little corny, but in his profile, he said he liked to cook.  If he cooks, he also needs to shop for the occasional baguette, right?  Anyway, as I was checking out his baguette, I was like one of Pavlov’s dogs going to dinner.  Yummy!  Yummy!

In his profile, Man #11 stated that, in addition to cooking, his hobbies were wine tasting and dining out.  He liked road trips, and I started fantasizing about riding in the Mercedes with the top down.  He liked travel and sightseeing and I could see myself on that hill in Tuscany. 

I lived in Rome for 5 months in 2002 and 2003 and traveled all over the country.  God, I wanted to go back to Italy so bad!

That’s how the seduction happened.  Basically, I let my love for a country and culture cloud my dating judgment.  I let my own mind do the seducing.  It is one of the dangers of online dating, where you start to conjure up images of the relationship based on photos and emails.  It’s a ridiculous thing to let happen.  It really is.

Man #11 and I exchanged a few emails.  He was interested in the fact that I had lived in Rome and could speak a little Italian.  We definitely had similar tastes in wine and food.  He was impressed that I could make my own limoncello, and after a few emails, he asked if I would go to dinner with him.

Oh, yes! (Sound of dog panting.)  Si, si!

So, last night he wanted to meet me at Sandpoint Grill.  It has good ambiance, a nice wine selection, and great food.

Now, dinner dates on the first date can be tricky.  I usually prefer going out for drinks at a restaurant where, if you hit it off with the person, you can get a table and proceed to dinner.  This date with Man #11 was just dinner.  There was no pre-screening drink involved.  I didn’t think I would need it given his sexy profile pictures.

Boy, was I wrong!

I have said this before, but I will say it again; there is something to be said for truth in advertising.

So, I get to the restaurant right on time, walk in, and look around, and I don’t see my date.  I’m still scanning the restaurant as I move towards the bar to see if he is in there when suddenly I’m approached by this short, round man with salt and pepper hair.  Now, granted, I’m 5′-10″ in my bare feet, but we’re talking short, like I needed to look down at him short.

He says my name and introduces himself.

Oh, Jesus Christ!  There he was, my Italian stallion in the form of a Shetland pony!  Fuck!  Not only was he three inches shorter than the height stated in his profile and the official “You must be this tall to ride this ride” threshold, he was at least 50 pounds heavier than his pictures and 25 years older.  Something also told me his baguette wasn’t as long and crispy as it was in his picture either.

You’ve got to be kidding me!  And now I’m supposed to have dinner with him.  It would be rude to leave, right?  What’s more rude, to let him insist on buying me dinner, or to just leave?

Well, I did not want to be rude, and, besides, we had shared some nice emails.  I figured we should be able to make good dinner conversation. 

Dinner was delicious, the conversation was fine, but there was no spark.  You just don’t go getting a girl’s hopes up with photos of a spicy Italian sausage, then serve up greasy meatballs in gravy for dinner and think you’re going to get somewhere.  You just don’t!

I offered to pay for dinner but he insisted on paying even after I offered a second time. (Men, a woman offering to pay a second time should be a clear indication that she is not into you.)

At the end of the date, he walked me to my car.  All of the sudden, his rough, stubby little fingers were pulling my face down towards his.  He smelled like he hadn’t been to the dentist in a while.  I turned my head to offer a kiss on the cheek, but he tried to turn my face towards his mouth.  Aaaggghhh!

Basta!  Enough!

I pried myself away from his meaty little fingers.  He was surprisingly strong for a munchkin. I know tae kwon do and I’m not afraid to use it. You little bastard!

I couldn’t jump in my car and drive away fast enough.

Whew!  That was awful!  I think last night’s date has to be the worst one so far.  Bleh!  I need a breath mint just thinking about it.

By the way, for those of you who do not speak Italian, il mio nonno italiano means my Italian grandfather.

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22 responses

18 04 2011
WOW

NEXT!!

18 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Yeah! I need to build my strength up after that one to face the next one.

18 04 2011
Zak

So awesome to read others’ dating adventures. I’m sorry your date was so terrible, but at least you made an entertaining story of it.

18 04 2011
mydatingprescription

I don’t wish to have a bunch of bad dates, but the worst ones generally do make the best stories.

18 04 2011
Sandy

Been there, Sister! Why do men persist in trying to kiss you, even when you politely exude “no interest”? Is it necessary to put it in words? At the end of the date are you supposed to stand up from the table and politely say, thank you for a nice dinner, however I find there to be no chemistry between us and therefore please don’t contact me again! We would be labeled royal b—-es 🙂 And when did it become common practice to kiss someone on a first date any way 🙂

Hopefully the next date is far more enjoyable!

18 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Sometimes it would be nice to be that straightforward, wouldn’t it? I think I’ll try extending my hand for a hand shake or something. I don’t know. There are a lot of toads to kiss, before finding one you like. That’s for sure!

18 04 2011
Surrey gal

Why do people do it? Put a photo of themselves from 20 years before when they were younger and slimmer? I mean what are they trying to achieve?
Did he write to you after the date? 🙂

18 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Il mio nonno has not written.

19 04 2011
Ann

Been there, done that, bought the tshirt. There was a guy I met once and the picture he posted was taken at an amusement park and you could tell he had cut children out of the picture. Now I knew his kids were grown so that got me wondering. He looked good though. We met in Issaquah at a brew pub he had never been to before and didn’t know where it was. I pulled up to park and there was a man standing across the street looking at the address and he looked NOTHING like his picture. At least 20 years older, huge beer belly, no hair. I debated whether to just drive away or go in but my polite side won over and I met him. He was extremely overweight but ordered the fried fish and chips. I got out of there as fast as I could. I’m always afraid to say anything to their face though-“you really don’t look like your profile pic”-for fear they might be a psycho and follow me to my car and beat me up!

19 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Seven Star Kung Fu is an all women’s kwun that teaches kung fu and self-defense. A friend of mine goes there. Maybe we should all go try a class sometime.

19 04 2011
Dkl

ugh.

19 04 2011
mydatingprescription

Ya think?

20 04 2011
dkl

I do. That’s just downright disgusting behavior.

I am beginning to think that maybe when you (and I don’t mean you specifically, but ‘a person’) meet someone face to face for the first time, and it’s obvious their pictures were out of date, and their description of themselves was overly optimistic, maybe it’s perfectly ok to set ‘polite’ aside and tell them that they misrepresented themselves, and that you aren’t interested in dating people with integrity deficiencies and leave.

Easier said than done, I realize.

13 05 2011
The Game and the Cock Block « My Dating Prescription

[…] didn’t want to put myself in a situation I might not be able to get out of.  Next to the Italian Non-Stallion, the Financial Planner had been the most aggressive about kissing me after the first date, and I […]

14 06 2011
My Daily 5 – My Online Dating Profile Rant « My Dating Prescription

[…] that note, make sure that your photos are current.  You don’t want to end up like the Italian Meatball.  Photos should be current and should vary between headshots and photos showing your physique.  […]

26 01 2012
Shelly

I put a date on mine (figure truth in advertising). I also like to discuss their pics., “Great pic, where was it? What year?…”

28 01 2012
mydatingprescription

Dates on the pics are a good idea. I noticed someone who had done that recently in an online profile and I did appreciate the “truth in advertising.”

11 08 2011
Serial Dater Pupates to Social Butterfly « My Dating Prescription

[…] us happy, and I realized Pnk is a great place for a first date.  First of all, it’s always dangerous to commit to dinner on a first date, and Pnk’s Happy Hour menu has enough cheap eats to substitute for a real […]

29 08 2011
Playing With Fire « My Dating Prescription

[…] sucker I am for an Italian man.  I don’t know if you recall how clouded my judgment was the last time I ventured out to meet an Italian. Ever since my South American STB-ex left me, my friends have been trying to keep me away from ALL […]

8 02 2012
Rom Com and the Blog « My Dating Prescription

[…] thing got started, and emailed her links to  the first post, Confessions of a Serial Dater, and Man #11, Il Mio Nonno Italiano so she could get an idea of what the blog was […]

3 07 2012
Man #27, The Flavor Saver « My Dating Prescription

[…] more likely that frog will expect a kiss at the end of a first date.  A case in point being the Italian Grandpa I dated last […]

29 07 2012
Man #100, My Stalker/Super Fan « My Dating Prescription

[…] looking forward to his emails.  Over the past year, I have heard from him periodically after traumatic dates or big events. (Getting my MBA) He almost always makes me laugh, and, at times, has shown a more […]

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