Battling the Blues

19 04 2011

Has anyone noticed yet that maybe I suck at dating?  

Today’s article is brought to you by Serial Daters Anonymous.

They say that when your addiction affects your relationships, you may have a problem.

I’m feeling extreme melancholy today and I’m feeling like maybe this whole process of dating 100 men before getting serious with anyone is just bad, bad juju.  Forget the fact that over the past 26 years of my dating life I have probably had dates with well over 100 men in the hopes of finding a good one.  What would it matter if I date 100 more, right?

Of course, the way my luck would have it, I would meet someone I like right out of the gate.  Why couldn’t The Blues Man have been #99 or #100 instead of #1?   Why?  WHY?

You’re probably wondering what happened with The Blues Man and whether or not I got my kiss, right?  Well, in response to my request for a kiss, The Blues Man asked if a kiss would also involve a movie.  So we had another date, and it was just as nice as the first.  Nicer in fact. Only I can’t tell you anything more about it, except to say that I got my kiss and it was wonderful.  Made my head spin a little, if you know what I mean.

I knew I had a moral obligation to tell The Blues Man about my blog before seeing him the second time, but I knew it was going to be awkward; I was afraid he would hate me for it; and I was being selfish.  I think there was also a part of me that didn’t believe that I would get that second date.  Like I said before, I didn’t know if he was attracted to me in a romantic way, so I was really ill-prepared when he actually said yes to my request.  Plus, if I wasn’t going to get a second date, what was the point in telling him anything.  If he wasn’t interested in me, he would just fade from the blog like every other date without knowing.

Regardless of my reasoning, there was really no good excuse for me to put off telling him.

When I finally did tell him about the blog, he joked about it, liked the idea of being referred to as The Blues Man, and seemed sort of flattered, but I told him, “Look, I think you should read it and see what you think.  I like you.  My readers like you, but you may feel uncomfortable with it once you’ve read it.”   I told him I would email him the link, and if he never wanted to speak to me again after reading it, I would understand.

After a day and a half, he let me know that he had finished reading.  He felt I had taken advantage of him and the situation.  I could understand that.  I had been afraid he might feel that way and I was sorry.  Really, really sorry.  I tried to call him, but he wouldn’t pick up.

I left it at that.  It’s never good to push a man when he’s mulling something over.

I haven’t heard from him again and I don’t think I will.

So you see, I’m feeling extraordinarily unhappy today.  On top of everything with The Blues Man, I knew April was going to be an incredibly difficult month for me.  April had been my husband’s and my month.  Every year when the cherry trees bloomed, we would walk to the Quad at the University of Washington and have a picnic.  Last year, for Easter, we had driven down to Portland for the day just to eat at Andina and visit the Rogue Brewery.  His birthday was yesterday, and mine follows, a week later.  We always had our friends over for birthday barbeques in the backyard.  And, as much as I want to hate him for wanting a divorce, I somehow felt compelled to send him a  text yesterday saying, “Happy Birthday.” 

He wrote back, “You know exactly how sweet you are.  Thank you.”  It immediately made me break down crying, like REALLY crying, tears streaming down my face crying. 

That fucking asshole!

So, it could be that it’s April.  It could be the fact that I’ve decided to go cold-turkey on my coffee consumption.  (A poorly timed recommendation from my nutritionist.)  Or, it could be that right now, I feel like a shitty, shitty serial dater who has hurt someone she cares about.  Anyway, I’ve got the blues and I’ve got them bad.

As snarky as I am, I don’t enjoy hurting people.  Most of the men I’m dating will just be anonymous blips on the radar.  I’ve been letting this process evolve organically, and I wasn’t prepared for what would happen if I met someone I actually liked.

So what happens when a writer feels horrible about something?  Well, she writes.  I wrote some song lyrics (otherwise known as a poem when you don’t have any music), and they go a little something like this…

One More Time

Baby, I get the blues
when I think of you
to think what I’ve done to your trust.
I didn’t know
where this would go
or I would not have said things I said.
I didn’t mean…to hurt you so bad,
I wish I could take back my selfish words. 
I hope you see, I meant you no harm,
and I wish we could talk one more time.
It tears me apart
that I hurt your heart
and I wish you could feel my heart-break.
But I’ll swallow my pride
and just say goodbye
but I wish we could talk one more time.
I didn’t mean…to hurt you so bad,
Oh if I could take back my selfish words. 
I hope you see, I meant you no harm,
and I wish we could talk one more time.
If I could have your love
I’d be careful next time.
I’d avoid those mistakes
that betrayed you.
So I’ll swallow my pride
and beg you to come back.
 Oh baby, come back
Please baby come back.
Oh I didn’t mean…to hurt you so bad,
If I could take back my selfish words. 
I hope you see, I meant you no harm,
and I wish we could talk one more time.
I wish I could sing with you again.
Yes, I wish I could see you one more time.
Oh, oh, oh, I wish we could kiss one more time.
(rinse, repeat and fade out like songs do….)

Ok, so I realize that these lyrics are overly dramatic for a man with whom I’ve only had two dates, but drama sells songs, and when extraordinary, inspirational sadness strikes for a blues song, you have to go with it.

On that note, I will be crawling into my bed now to have a good cry.  Thank you very much.

Photo here.




25 responses

19 04 2011

Sorry you’re having a blue day. Don’t sit at home this month, ok? Let’s get out and do some stuff. And maybe Blues Man just isn’t the right guy for you. I don’t feel you took advantage of him. I have the feeling that if things would have progressed with you two, you might not have continued your 100 date quest. Plus it’s not like you two were totally involved and you led him on and deceived him-you only had 2 dates. It’s not like you told him you were dating him exclusively. Who knows how many other dates/who else he might be seeing at the same time. So have your good cry, shake it off, then get back out there and kick ass! When I got down about not meeting anybody, my counselor told me “It’s a numbers game. You’ll meet somebody.” We’re fantastic women-how could we not?

19 04 2011

I know you’re right. For some reason your comment that “it’s a numbers game” reminded me of a conversation I once had with my son’s soccer coach. All he taught them to do was play defense, and I was arguing with him that they needed to be making more shots on goal.

Same principle, I guess.

19 04 2011
Surrey gal

Perhaps he feels bad about those 100 dates, not about the fact that you were writing about him? Perhaps he thinks like he is part of an experiment, one of many?
I’m sure he reads what you wrote, and he will see it’s not like that, and I’m hoping he will call you.
p.s. SMS from your husband – that sucks. I know exactly how it feels. 😦

19 04 2011

Thanks. Unfortunately, I didn’t get to have an actual conversation with TBM about how he felt, so I have no idea which part bothered him the most.

I should have never texted the “Happy Birthday.” I was in a weak spot. I’ll know better next time.

19 04 2011

OMG, your last post was soooo sad. I am one of your biggest fans! I get my email on my phone and when one of your posts comes up I stop what I am doing and read it. It almost made me cry to read this morning’s post.

I want everything to work out with the Blues Man like it does in the movies………I think he needs to give you another chance. He will be missing a wonderful opportunity. PLEASE Blues Man……give her a call !!!!!!

I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I am always excited when there is a new post and always sad when you don’t post for several days.

You are an excellent writer and keep me captivated and wanting more. Keep it up.

19 04 2011

Thanks, Krysteena.

After what happened with TBM, I was seriously thinking that writing this blog just wasn’t worth it, but I think comments like yours will keep me going. I’m so glad you’re enjoying my mishaps and adventures.

19 04 2011
Jewish, but not a doctor

I know I am the last you care to hear from, but believe it or not I am cheering you on reading every post. Give BM some time to digest this. Continue spreading your wings and taking your journey.

In time BM may decide to contact you on his own or alternatively, another 20 or 30 dates later, you may decide that you are still thinking about him more than just a little. Nothing wrong with you contacting him at that time.

Life is funny, two people who are good for each other sometimes are not at the exact same place in their lives at the same time. Maybe in a while, a month, a year, the two of you will be ready for each other as well as having chemistry.

Hang in there…i am rooting for you. (no really it is true)

19 04 2011

You know, it’s funny. When I was writing today’s post, I was wondering if you would think that I finally got my comeuppance. I’m glad to see that you’re still reading, and I appreciate your comment and encouragement.


19 04 2011

An important thing to learn from this might be why the Blues Man has delt like a match. Is it because he was the first one to show interest? Is is some set of qualities that mesh well with you? Is he just hot? Whatever combination of factors you find can help inform you and sharpen your focus as you plow through the other 89 upcoming guys.

And I agree with JBNAD: there are some right times for any two people to meet and form a *mutual* bond, and there are a bunch of wrong times. But if the right time is still in the future, it’s never too late.

19 04 2011

Thanks for the comment my Elder.

You’ll appreciate this. In regards to your comment about figuring out what qualities mesh well with me, I have created a data table of my dates. Some of the factors are the easy ones like height and weight. Others are things like sense of humor, which The Blues Man definitely had. Unfortunately, I have only figured out how to use a binary number for the qualitative variables, so a person either looks like they have a sense of humor or they don’t. I haven’t figured out how to set it up differently for now.

I did a probability plot of the heights of the men I’ve gone out with so far. The mean height is 6′-1″ with a standard deviation of 3.033 inches.

Oh, I’m trying to figure some stuff out alright.

19 04 2011

Okay, you are WAY more hardcore than I have ever been!

Of course, now you’ve got me thinking about some aggregate stats that I could compute based on history. But I’d probably pivot on a different measurement than height…

19 04 2011

Are you thinking your probability plot would graph cup size??

19 04 2011

You know, I believe that each of us defines our own key differentiators.

19 04 2011

There are mountain tops and valleys in life: dating included. If it weren’t for the valleys (one of which you found yourself in today) one wouldn’t enjoy the mountain tops.

Hey, I’m truly glad to see that Mr. JBNAD left you a very sweet message. Thank you Mr. JBNAD.

Remember, when you’d fall down in the gravel as a kid, and I’d help you get back up, & you’d sputter a bit, dust off your clothes, hands & knees, dry a few short tears and after a few hugs, bustle off ready to tackle the world again? Consider yourself hugged.

This too shall pass and better things are just around the corner.

love ya girl, Mom

19 04 2011

Thanks, Mom.

19 04 2011

you are brave and inspiring.

19 04 2011

Thanks, Yogi!

24 04 2011
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