Man #15, Fresh Kill

12 05 2011

Man #15 wanted to meet at the same bar where I had met The Blues Man.  He is also a musician, and I think he wanted to check the place out.  We arrived around the time the bar was opening at 4 p.m. and the bar was empty except for the bartender and another guy who had set up a laptop at the far end of the bar.

We sat at the bar and ordered beers.  The first thing Man #15 said to me was, “I have something I need to tell you.  I figure it’s better to tell you now, because you would probably find out anyway.”

I looked at him sideways and said, “You realize that’s a terrible thing to say at the beginning of a date, right?”

“Well, I have to tell you that you are this (index finger and thumb an inch apart) close to being a musical lyricist.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I took your lyrics, and wrote the music for your sad song.”

“What?? Are you serious? Oh my god, that is so cool.  That’s exactly what I was hoping would happen by me putting the lyrics out there like that,” I said.

“Let me tell you, that song is really pathetic.  All that baby, come back stuff.”

“Yeah, I know, but it was supposed to be sad.”

He told me it was difficult to take the lyrics and put music to them.  Usually the process happens the other way around.  The music comes first.  However, he explained that Elton John and Bernie Taupin had written music and lyrics separately.  Bernie Taupin would write the lyrics first and Elton would write the music later.  Some of Elton John’s biggest hits were created using this process in collaboration with Taupin.

I’m waiting to hear the results of Man #15’s work, but he said that the resulting song has a B.B. King sort of vibe to it.

But more about the date…I know I blasted Bitter Boy for talking about his ex, but I needed a completely different approach for my date with Man #15.  I didn’t realize when I set up my date with Man #15 that he had only separated from his wife three weeks prior.

What??? Are you f*%king kidding me?

Yeah, you read that right.  Three weeks ago.  I can’t even imagine.  I just remember where I was three weeks after my husband announced that he wanted a divorce and there is no way, at that point, that I was ready for a date.  At this point in my post-marriage journey, I’m finally getting the art of dating down and feeling pretty confident (at least as far as first dates go), but I’m still FAR from ready for a relationship.  Three weeks after the ball dropped though, I was still sitting on the couch  in my bathrobe all day, flipping through the channels in a semi-catatonic state, crying, and letting my dog lick the tears off my face.

What I’ve realized since I placed my ad on Craigslist, however, is that it seems as though I’m attracting a lot of what I’ll call “misfit daters,” men similar to me and where I’m at, who, for a variety of reasons, are just trying dating on for size again after a long hiatus.  Because I’m not looking for anything but a date, I think a date with me feels sort of safe for some of these gentlemen (even if there’s the possibility that I might blast them in a blog post afterwards.)  It’s just a date, a blip in time, and a chance to get back out there without any additional pressure, hidden agendas, or expectations.

So, there I was with Man #15, Fresh Kill.  Overall, I like Man #15.  There were a couple of things that made me uncomfortable about him, but, for the most part, I think he’s a good guy.  When we initially arrived at the bar, I felt like he was a “loud talker.”  Maybe it’s just because there weren’t many people in the bar when we first arrived; maybe it’s because after singing and playing guitar next to huge speakers he’s lost some of his hearing over time and can’t tell how loud he’s talking, or maybe he was trying to get attention. At any rate, it made me uncomfortable.  As the bar filled up with people, however, it became a non-issue.

The second thing that made me uncomfortable was the rate at which Fresh Kill drank.  It didn’t take long before he had consumed twice as many beers as I had, and it made me wonder if he might have a drinking problem.  After Happy Hour ended, he insisted on asking the bartender to tell us which of the neighboring bars sold hard alcohol.  (For anyone outside Washington State, Washington has these VERY conservative liquor laws.  Taverns sell beer and wine, but you need an extra license to sell hard alcohol, so some places have the licensing and some don’t.)  Asking the bartender to recommend another bar seemed rude and unnecessary to me, and after consuming three beers, I felt I had drunk enough.  I considered going home at this point.  The conversation was going well though, so I agreed to go to the second bar.

Unlike my usual avoidance of discussions about the ex, this date was different.  Obviously, the transition from marriage to singledom was so fresh for Man #15 that the topic of that transition warranted some discussion.  I’m certainly not cut out to be anybody’s therapist (although I may not be as crazy as my own therapist) but I can lend an ear and talk about what things have been like for me.  I guess if that helps somebody, I don’t feel so bad.  I normally choose not to be that vulnerable on a first date though, and that was the key difference between this date and most of the others. 

Fresh Kill rides a Harley.  It’s his primary mode of transportation, and once we were settled into the second bar, he asked me if I had ridden on the back of a motorcycle.  I explained that the last time I had ridden on the back of a motorcycle was with my father when I was about 9 years old. (Actually, if scooters count, it was about 8 years ago, when I hiked my dress up so I could wrap my legs around this sexy Italian friend of mine, and race through the streets of Rome.)  Mmmmm.

But I digress.

I asked Fresh Kill how many accidents he’d had, and then I told him about my most recent experience with men and motorcycles.  Last year, my STB-ex had purchased a motorcycle.  For the three preceding years, he had told me that he planned on dying by the time he was 45, and pictured himself going out in a blaze of glory on a motorcycle.  This is just one of the fucked up ways in which my husband chose to let me know that he did not plan on being married to me long-term.  When I got tired of fighting with him about whether or not he should buy a motorcycle, I did what any intelligent woman would do.  I purchased a life insurance policy. 

Then, last year, on Memorial Day weekend, my husband had an accident.  He had dropped the bike a couple of times prior to this, but nothing as major as this accident.  He was taking a corner too fast in the rain, and lost control merging from Highway 520 to I-5.  The bike was totalled, but surprisingly, my husband walked away with nothing but a bruised knee.  I was so angry at him, however, I could not be there for him, and from that point forward, my husband used the fact that I had not stayed home with him on the afternoon of that accident as the reason for our divorce.  Apparently, I didn’t love him enough.  (Several months later, I reminded him that he had chosen to go play role-playing games with his friends on the day that I had a major bicycling accident, an accident that left me unable to lift or turn my head for over a week, and that he had never once taken me to the doctor or helped pay any of the mounting medical bills that resulted from my physical therapy.)

Anyway, my recent experience with motorcycles is pretty fucked up, and as I was telling Fresh Kill about this, I started to cry.  He quickly grabbed my hand, and said, maybe riding on the back of a motorcycle is not something we need to talk about right now.

The whole experience made me acknowledge a couple of things about myself.  First, there is good reason why I prefer to not talk about exes on my dates.  I cry easily. (Don’t take me to a sad movie unless you have plenty of tissue to offer me.) But primarily, I prefer to not talk about exes because it is very apparent to me how raw some of these things still are for me, even 8 months after my husband’s decision to get a divorce.

Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship that extends beyond friendship.  I realize that every person is different, but I honestly believe that the advice to wait at least a year before getting into a relationship after a divorce is good advice.   It takes time to get your shit back together after going through the death of a marriage, and to rush it seems, to me, to be both irresponsible and neurotic.  In retrospect, it’s a good thing that things didn’t go anywhere with The Blues Man.  It’s very possible that he would have just ended up being a rebound man, and it’s not fair to use another person to try to work through your own issues.

Finally, my date with Fresh Kill left me feeling pretty vulnerable.  I enjoyed our conversation, however, and, at the very least, I’m hoping we can collaborate on some music.

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18 responses

12 05 2011
LB

“When I got tired of fighting with him about whether or not he should buy a motorcycle, I did what any intelligent woman would do. I purchased a life insurance policy.”

FANTASTIC!

I like this guy in a friendship way. How he reacted to your first-date tears seemed just right. Moving right along…

13 05 2011
mydatingprescription

Yes. Overall, he seems to be a really good guy.

13 05 2011
Jewish, but not a doctor

“Second, I am in no way ready for a relationship that extends beyond friendship. I realize that every person is different, but I honestly believe that the advice to wait at least a year before getting into a relationship after a divorce is good advice. It takes time to get your shit back together after going through the death of a marriage, and to rush it seems, to me, to be both irresponsible and neurotic. In retrospect, it’s a good thing that things didn’t go anywhere with The Blues Man. It’s very possible that he would have just ended up being a rebound man, and it’s not fair to use another person to try to work through your own issues.”

It seems you are on your way to getting your shit together. Don’t linger over Blues Man, perhaps life’s roads will intersect for the two of you later, when said shit is less scattered. 🙂

13 05 2011
mydatingprescription

I’m glad it appears that I’m getting my shit together. Although right now, it seems the only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want a relationship.

13 05 2011
Jewish, but not a doctor

That was my point exactly and I am glad for you about this. When it is time, it will be time and it will feel right. But more importantly, you will be in a place where you can embrace it fully.

🙂

13 05 2011
WOW

Tears are the body’s way of washing the pain from the soul. & being able to share with a stranger is sometimes easier when these months have passed.

You are wise to note that it takes a while to get your own poop in a group and not getting serious with someone or in a relationship in the first year is a wise move. Sometimes it takes a few years to heal and decide what one truly needs/wants/is looking for: in a relationship.

You are taking time to get to know yourself again without a “man” in your life and that will only make your choice a better one when the right man comes along.

Mr. BluesMan: Well, he was that “baby step” into the new world of dating which is opening wider.

I’m proud of you! hugs, Mom

13 05 2011
mydatingprescription

Thanks, Mom.

13 05 2011
DKL

Loved this post. You’re changing as you move through this experiment. Can you see it?

13 05 2011
mydatingprescription

I DO see it. More importantly, I feel it too.

14 05 2011
dkl

BTW I own 3 motorcycles 🙂 I found your decision to purchase life insurance on the ex hilarious. Hopefully he filled out an organ donor card, too.

14 05 2011
Zak

First off, “when I hiked my dress up so I could wrap my legs around this sexy Italian friend of mine”

Can I be someone’s sexy Italian friend (even though I’m not Italian) already!

Second: it took me almost two years since my wife left to be honest and “ready” to date, and then it took over 20 dates to really have feelings for anyone. And here I am, another 14 dates later, and I am still just figuring things out. Don’t rush things, but don’t deny yourself what you need, too.

14 05 2011
mydatingprescription

Thanks, Zak. I don’t think I was “ready” to date when I started this experience. It was more like I was being pushed into the deep end of the pool without floaties when the therapist told me I needed to get back out there. It took another couple of months after he said it for me to actually start dating, and just now, I’m actually starting to feel more comfortable. I’m not yet to a point where I can really imagine having feelings for someone. I’m sure it will come. Maybe in another 20 dates or so. 🙂

I’m sure you’ll be someone’s Italian eventually.

16 05 2011
Surrey gal

It’s nice of him to write music for your song, can we hear it somehow?
Eight months since your husband asked you for a divorce is not much at all (not to mention three weeks, ha ha ha) to be ready for a new relationship and it’s good you know it and accept it… and hopefully not throw yourself under a bus (or rebound relationship).
Where are the photos from your session?? I’m dying to see the!

16 05 2011
mydatingprescription

We’ll have to see what we can do about the song. Recorded outside of a studio, the quality would not be that good, so in time, maybe we can get it recorded and posted.

To clarify, Fresh Kill knows he’s not ready for a relationship either. Like I said, I think a date with me just seemed like a safe way to experiment with dating.

I need to write about my photo session. The photos aren’t ready yet, but I’m as excited as you are to see them.

21 05 2011
ElderBaud

I launched a major relationship about three weeks after separation. Yep, I wasn’t ready. Took me quite a while to figure that out.

21 05 2011
mydatingprescription

How does a person even find someone that they WANT to date in three weeks?

22 05 2011
ElderBaud

Sheer coincidence.

13 08 2011
Great (Dating) Expectations « My Dating Prescription

[…] who I think wanted to go out with me just because they knew it was going to be just one date.  ‘Misfit daters’ is what I had called them at one point, men who had been recently separated or divorced and not […]

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