El Jefe, Part…Dos

20 01 2012

Well, you may or may not be wondering what has happened to me since I haven’t written anything since Christmas. Let’s just say I’ve had a difficult time trying to find a graceful way in which to segue from my uncle’s passing back into dating. Add to the usual stages of grief the fact that I am working full-time, and in the second to last quarter of my MBA, and you can quickly surmise that I may not have a lot of time to date, let alone write about it.

To save us all a lot of time, I’ll give you an abbreviated version to get you up to date and then if you have questions, fire away.

Regarding El Jefe…

After our first date, El Jefe decided to stay in Seattle an extra day and asked if I would go out with him again on the next night. He called me midway through the following day to see how work was going, but I picked up on the fact that this was really a thinly veiled attempt to see if I could skip out of work early and hang out with him. Unfortunately, I am a responsible adult and I could not. After taking a leave of absence to care for my uncle, I was diligently trying to make up for lost time, and needed every hour I could squeeze out of my day.

It was a Monday night, and realizing he is a sports fan in the midst of football season, I told El Jefe I would meet him at The Ram at around 6 p.m., depending on what traffic I encountered on the way there. The Ram is anything but romantic, but I figured if I was running late there would be plenty of wide-screen TVs to keep him occupied until I got there.

(And you thought using electronic babysitters was just for kids…pshaw.)

Unlike the night before, when I arrived at The Ram, he was already there. We ordered food and picked our conversation up where we had left off the night before. He was still sort of in interview mode, assailing me with a barrage of questions. I tried to inject a few good questions of my own and discovered there were a few more things we had in common.

He asked me how I feel about holding hands. I LOVE holding hands. I’m not a big fan of public displays of affection. I get totally turned off by guys who want to make out in public places, but holding hands is definitely ok in my book. I like being able to take a man’s arm when we’re walking, hold hands whether we’re walking or just sitting somewhere, and when riding in a car, place my hand on his thigh just because it’s there. I’m not an overly touchy-feely person, but having that connection is something I like.

We both believe in prenuptial agreements. I know! How did that come up? Well, I don’t exactly remember, but we were talking about our philosophies regarding money, and all of a sudden, he asked, “How do you feel about prenuptial agreements?”

“Well, before my wedding, I told my STBex I wouldn’t marry him if he didn’t sign the prenup.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

He told me about a particularly nasty breakup. He’d been engaged to be married, his fiance refused to sign a prenup, and they broke off their engagement.

I told him, “I believe in a couple being a partnership, but if I’m married to someone and he decides to go buy a boat or some other big-ticket item on payments, I don’t want to be held responsible for that. It has more to do with protecting myself from someone’s bad credit than what I can or cannot GET financially out of the marriage.”

“Exactly.”

Amen brother! Usually, when the topic of prenups pops up, people will make a comment something along the lines of, “I don’t want to have a document that basically says that the marriage is not going to work out. If you’re already thinking about divorce why would you get married?”

This makes me want to just slap someone. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Do the math and don’t be stupid.

But I digress. Basically, we found that we had similar philosophies regarding money, and for me, this is huge. Money is one of the big things that caused fights between my husband and I.

The conversation around money also prompted a long discussion on the definition of the word “partnership” and here again we seemed to be on the same page.

We also found that our tastes in film were similar with documentaries and foreign films dominating our tastes.

The second date ended nicely enough for us to continue our conversations even after he went back to Portland.  Mind you, all of this was taking place back in November when I was still spending most of my time in Eastern Washington with my uncle. El Jefe started to press me to come and visit him in Portland, but was really understanding when I said, “Look, I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now with everything that is going on with my uncle. I’ve been spending so much time away from home this is really not the time.”

He backed off on his request, and I told him I might consider coming down for a weekend in mid-December, depending on what was going on with my uncle and the rest of my family.

To make a long story short, I went to visit him in December and that was basically the end of it. Let’s just say, it is always important to visit your potential boyfriend or girlfriend on their home turf.

There were some things I liked about visiting El Jefe in Portland:

  1. I had my very own guest room and bathroom where he had laid out soaps and bath linens in the bathroom, tourist magazines on the desk, and chocolates and a candy cane on the night table. (REALLY nice touch!)
  2. He hipped me to the street cart vendors in downtown Portland where I had an awesome gyro.
  3. I got to visit the feminist bookstore featured in Portlandia.
  4. I got to go see the Portland University Pilots get their asses handed to them by the University of Montana Grizzlies.
  5. Hazelnut Dacquoise at Saint Honore Bakery…a foodgasm in hazelnut meringue.

Things I did not like about my trip to see El Jefe:

  1. El Jefe is the least chivalrous Latino I have ever met. Ever. I realized that I was spoiled by STBex. During my marriage, I never had to open a car door, carry a grocery bag, or walk next to the curb. El Jefe didn’t even help me carry my suitcase into the house when I arrived and I had just traveled three and a half hours to see him. WTF?
  2. Plus, instead of walking next to me, he walked ten feet in front of me on several occasions. This annoys me even when it’s one  of my friends, let alone a potential boyfriend. The farther someone walks in front of me, the slower I go. I figure if they don’t want to be WITH me (next to me) then they shouldn’t mind if I just hang back. Bottom line is it’s rude, and I don’t like it.
  3. He lives in a house of architectural blunders. What do I mean by this? Well, the first thing I noticed when I entered his living room was that a very ugly chimney was right in front of the huge windows in his living room. Then, there was a portion of the upstairs that jutted into the room from above. It turned out it was the closet of the guest room that someone had failed to plan for. While this may not directly reflect on El Jefe’s character I had to wonder why he would buy a house with so many things wrong in its layout. (This question was actually solved for me when I realized that his closet was the size of my house, but I digress.)
  4. I ended up paying for more on our dates than I thought I should have to considering I had been the one to trek my ass down to Portland to see him.
  5. His method of washing dishes left me needing to re-wash everything before I used it.
  6. He had a drawer in his kitchen that contained utensils, bowls, pans, etc. just all dumped in with no rhyme or reason. OMG.

I don’t want to sound picky, but you know what? I think I am. Basically, I know what kinds  of things drive me crazy. I know what things cause me to get frustrated and angry and turn into the bitchy, nit-picking kind of woman I don’t want to be. Unorganized cupboards, dirty dishes that have supposedly been washed, and a man who turns around to go into the house without caring to see if I’ve gotten my suitcase out of the car are just a few of them.

In the end, I left for home knowing that I would never be back. It actually made me a little sad. Overall, I think El Jefe is probably a nice guy, but there is a reason he is in his mid-forties and has never been married. I realized I would rather be alone than be in a relationship where my surroundings and circumstances make me feel frustrated and unappreciated, so there is no reason to lead him on.

Not worth it.

Questions?

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8 responses

21 01 2012
Ann

The older I get, the less sh*t I’m willing to put up with!

21 01 2012
mydatingprescription

Amen, sister! I think after you’ve been married, you also realize that those little things that bother you in a boyfriend are not going to go away. They will only be amplified if you get married and will then become the source of far too many disagreements.

21 01 2012
utahstateaggiegirl

Seems like it’s just not a good fit… NEXT!!! 🙂

21 01 2012
mydatingprescription

Indeed. My next date holds some promise. He is a friend of friends who I haven’t seen in several years. The last time I saw him I remember feeling vaguely attracted to him. Now, we’ve been thrown back together by friends, so it’s not really a blind date, just a blurry date. 🙂 I’ll let you know how it goes.

22 01 2012
wowmom

Good to see you writing again.

Yeah, if two people aren’t willing to talk about money and how they perceive handling it before they tie the knot and are in that “oh honey, I’m so madly in love with you, I’ll do anything for you mode”, they certainly won’t discuss it when in the middle of a divorce….

And dating is the time to discover what one REALLY is looking for, will tolerate or not tolerate….

The ol’ story about the parson marrying a couple and saying …”the bride stands at the back of the aisle , sees the aisle, sees him, and sees the alter and thinks….’I’ll alter him.’ ” doesn’t work, cause the basics in folks doesn’t change much, they are who they are…

You are a smart woman….. and I’m looking forward to the next installment.

You go girl!

25 01 2012
Dating Up

Hi Mydatingprescription,
Thanks you for your post, Learning what all those signs and symbols mean is crucial to you being in control of your visual health.
BTW great blogpost

27 01 2012
Separated Dad

I think it’s good you were able to talk about key issues and see the male of the species in his native habitat.

It’s a shame it’s not going to work, but as you point out, if he’s a Major Messy-Butt in his 40s, that’s one possible explanation for why he’s not yet married.

Maybe you’ve now got some new getting-to-know-you questions before going on a date: Do you have a wacky house? Do you understand the basic idea behind sorting out cutlery? Do you fully ‘get’ the complex concepts associated with walking TOGETHER?

28 01 2012
mydatingprescription

You’re right. I had mistakenly taken these issues too lightly.

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