Someone Chose You

16 06 2012

Just when I thought my dating life was going along fine…well, maybe not fine, I’ve ended up dating a lot of losers over the past year, so not fine. But dating was going along okay.  I’m getting back out there, spreading my wings, meeting new people.  Just when I was getting back out there, meeting new people, I got an email from OkCupid.  It was one of those automated emails that happens when someone rates your profile above mediocre.

I opened the email, and knew immediately that I should not open the link to OkCupid.  The picture of the Ok Rater did not download, but I could tell by the username that I knew who it was.  The email said, “Someone chose you!  He’s totally into you! Go send him a message. You got this email because he rated you 4 or 5 stars.”

But the picture didn’t download, and I’m curious like that, so I clicked the link.

Stupid, stupid me.

It was STBex.

There he was smiling at my from his online dating profile…and I started to cry.  I’ve known that he was dating for a long time, but I didn’t have to see it.  Seeing his picture made me sick to my stomache.

I’m not exactly sure where the tears came from.  I don’t want him back.  I don’t.  In fact, I think it’s the opposite.  You see, he keeps doing this kind of thing.  He keeps popping up at inopportune times, saying or doing things, nice things, but I know they’re not really nice and they don’t mean anything.  In fact, the things he says, the things he does aren’t really nice at all.  In fact, they’re cruel.  They’re meant to string me along and they’re his disgusting attempts to try to maintain some form of fucked up control or attachment to me.

I hate him for it.

He doesn’t want me back and I know it, so why the hell can’t he just leave me alone?

How dare he rate me 4 out of 5 stars!  He’s not allowed to say or do anything to me anymore, because all of it, all of it, is a pack of lies.  It’s just the suave, Latino bullshit he uses to try to get what he wants.  It’s just the shit he says to make a woman believe she’s special so he can fuck her over and be on his merry way.

Who the fuck does he think he is?  Every chance he gets he tries to pretend he’s a nice guy when, really, he’s anything but that.  He’s a cruel, sadistic bastard, and I want him to leave me alone.  He wanted the divorce; now he needs to stay the fuck away from me.

LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FUCKED IN THE HEAD PRICK!

He does not get to fuck with my mind anymore.  He doesn’t.  I’m pissed that I’m even having this reaction, but I think I’m really crying because I’m angry.  That’s what it is.  I’m angry, and I’m trying hard to hold it in.

But why?  Because it’s more lady-like to cry?

Fuck that.  I deserve to be angry.

I’ve mocked my therapist for prescribing this crazy dating thing many times, but it’s only because of the work I’ve been doing with him that I’m able to recognize my anger right now at all.  We’ve been working on this thing I do, where I cry when I’m really angry.  And, that’s what this is.  If I was in a session right now, my therapist would make me hit something.  He says the crying is repressing the rage, and that it’s better to get to the real emotion than to repress it.

That’s what this is. It’s rage.

I could go curl up in my bed and cry because STBex is dating again, and he obviously wanted to make sure I knew it.  But I won’t.  That’s not what I’m going to do.  I’m going to go beat something.  That’s what will release the rage, and that, not my tears, is what he deserves.

Photo here.

Advertisements

Actions

Information

12 responses

17 06 2012
epic_honey

I am so sorry. What a horrible, tasteless, just-plain-mean thing to do. You have my sympathy.

17 06 2012
Wilma

Thanks.

17 06 2012
Baby, Baby

Uffda…. I’m so sorry Wilma. I haven’t known you very long but I’ve known you to be a epically wonderful person. You didn’t deserve something that low and petty, you’re better than that. Maybe cook some lefse and hang in there 🙂

17 06 2012
Wilma

Thanks, Baby, Baby. You’re one of the few people I know who knows that lefse is comfort food.

17 06 2012
dittoditto

I’m sorry too. STBex’s can be real jerks. I remember all the stupid things mine did to me, like subscribing to magazines in his fiance’s name and having them mailed (and billed) to me. Eventually I just came to the understanding that garbage stinks and I was very happy that the garbage truck (read divorce) was going to haul mine away. I never responded to any of his acts because I didn’t want to encourage him. Eventually he slithered away and then had the very good grace to drop dead.

Time and distance will help. Be kind to yourself in the meanwhile.

17 06 2012
Wilma

Thanks, dittoditto. I do everything I can to avoid him, and yet he persists in being an ass and sneaking in. I sometimes secretly hope that STBex will have a really bad accident on his motorcycle, but then I check those thoughts and hope that his being dead to me will be enough.

17 06 2012
you're just a dumb ass

Oh Wilma I’m so sorry for this asshole walking into your life & your pain. I have been there so many times. So proud of you for taking care of yourself and your process of healing!

I heard this piece of advice that I want to share with you: A friend of mine said “Listen, we all date assholes till we meet the right one.” At the time I thought it was a harsh statement, but he’s right. Not that the people I date are assholes; because who we choose to date is a reflection of who we are and what we think we want. While dating, we are really testing out the combination of qualities, characteristics, and life desires we are looking for. We discover the things that we thought we wanted might not be what we need.

17 06 2012
Wilma

It’s funny. I usually address people by their username, but in your case, I can’t say, “Thanks, you’re just a dumb ass.” 🙂 Thank you for your comment and encouragement. That testing of the combination of qualities that I think I want is something I think I’m getting better and better at all the time.

17 06 2012
you're just a dumb ass

Lol! Probably didn’t think through the name entirely! 🙂 So glad you found it useful! You have actually inspired me to publish a post that I have been hesitating posting. for awhile! Thanks for inspiring me!

17 06 2012
Wilma

Thank you. I’ll look forward to it, now that I’m following you.

17 06 2012
you're just a dumb ass

Thank you so much! Following you too!

29 06 2012
Ok, I’ll Try OkCupid « My Dating Prescription

[…] been following my adventures since the beginning, you may have wondered how I happened to get an email from my STBex on OkCupid if I wasn’t on OkCupid.  Well, the truth is; I’m now on […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: