Man #27, The Flavor Saver

3 07 2012

They say that a woman has to kiss a lot of frogs before finding her prince.  I would add that it also seems that the more a woman doesn’t want to kiss a frog, the more likely that frog will expect a kiss at the end of a first date.  A case in point being the Italian Grandpa I dated last year.

Man #27 found me on OkCupid.  He sent a rather intelligent email, and we started a volley of missives discussing movies, books, teenagers, chess, ethnic backgrounds, genealogy, and baseball.  It all seemed rather promising, so when he asked me out, I was excited to meet him.

In his picture, he looked “professorial,” brown, tweed jacket, mustache and slightly outdated hairstyle.  Ok, I’ll call it what it was.  He had a comb-over, but still, he didn’t look bad.  After dealing with the illiterate tools on Plentyoffish, I was happy to finally have an intelligent dialogue with a man.  It was restoring my faith in the brainpower of the male gender.

Since he seemed to possess more sophistication and intelligence than my average date, when he asked me where I would like to go, I suggested we meet at the Seattle Art Museum.  I happen to like art gallery and museum dates.  You can talk while moseying through the exhibits and usually find out a lot about a person by the way they react to the art.  I was excited and nervous, in a good way, about my date with Man #27.  I told him I would meet him at the museum at 6 p.m..

I arrived and found him in the lobby.  He looked rather nice.  He did, in fact, look professorial in real life, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.  He was in jeans and a black sport jacket, which he informed me he understood to be the most appropriate attire for a gentleman on a first date.  He had gleaned this information from an online article on the subject of first date fashion, which he confessed he had researched due to first date jitters.  I found this to be rather endearing.

The thing that threw me off, and almost immediately grabbed my attention, however, was his facial hair.  In addition to a rather long, shaggy mustache, he also sported a flavor saver, sometimes also referred to as a soul patch.  Now, you may recall my discussion of body hair from almost a year ago.  To put it plainly, I’m not really a fan.  I have a low tolerance for body hair.  I don’t like when a man has nappy chest hair that looks like crumbles of ground meat on his chest.  I don’t want to nestle my head into the shoulder of a man whose armpit contains little white chunks of deodorant stuck to his armpit hair.  I will not even consider giving a man a blow job if his pubes smell like sweat and it appears as though I have to use a brush cutter to find his penis.  AND, I don’t like the idea of kissing a man if it appears that I will be lip to mustache instead of lip to lip.

Exhibit A: Flavor Saver gone wrong.

Plus, in general, I have never been a big fan of the flavor saver.  A flavor saver is hard to pull off, especially for white guys.  A flavor saver only works if a man is committed to the maintenance required to keep it looking neat and tidy.  There used to be a man who rode the same commuter bus I did who had a flavor saver, and he never trimmed it.  It hung there loosely from the base of his lower lip, and every time I saw it I wanted to scream, “Shave that shit off!”  He would have looked so much better without it.

I will present for you Exhibit A.  Note how the flavor saver is sort of bushy with strands of hair hanging down from the lower lips.  Not good.  Apollo Ohno is a good-looking guy.  There are some really nice pictures of him, naked, in skating poses out here on the internet, but I remember watching the Winter Olympics and being totally distracted by his flavor saver.  I wanted it gone.

I wish I could say that Man #27’s flavor saver was even half as tidy as Apollo’s, but it wasn’t.  No.  The Flavor Saver’s flavor saver was thin with just a thin layer of hair hanging down from his lip.  But, wait; there’s more.  It didn’t just hang there.  No.  It hung down for about a half an inch before curling back up again so that the whole thing looked like it was horizontal.  It was like a scoop.

I suppose if you’re going to have a flavor saver, it might as well be able to catch something.

And yet, that still was not the most distracting part.  One side was trimmed shorter than the other.  It looked like he always trimmed it using his right hand, pushing everything to the left as he went across.

It was all I could do to keep from staring at it.  I wanted to take a comb, comb it down, and cut it even for him.  As we walked through the galleries, I kept stealing glances at it in profile, little lopsided scoop that it was.  I was enjoying our conversation immensely, but I kept getting distracted.  I kept looking at it and wondering if I were to kiss him if I would end up with upturned flavor saver in my nose.  How would my lips ever find his without the rude, ticklish interference of the flavor saver?

Exhibit B: Flavor saver maintenance. Good.

He was so intelligent and nice.  I liked his personality.  I started to wonder what the appropriate amount of time was for a couple to date before asking one’s partner to get a makeover.  I tried to shake it off.  I told myself I was being shallow, but I kept looking at the flavor saver and wondering how on earth he could look in the mirror everyday and not see a problem.

We went and had a bite to eat after walking through the galleries, and we talked until 11 o’clock at night.  He was a great guy.  How could I let this issue of lopsided, curled up, scooped strands of facial hair be so off-putting?  Perhaps if we ended up dating I could eventually drop hints to get rid of it.

At the end of our date, he walked me to my car, and, of course, he wanted a kiss.  There it was, the moment I’d been dreading all evening.  It should have been a good thing, considering the evening we had just had.  Instead…

Ahhh!  Ppfft.  Ppfft.  Ppfft.  Oh.  God.  Why?  Why???

 

Photos here, here, and here.

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36 responses

3 07 2012
howtoonlinedate

Couldn’t agree with you more… much rather a hair free face! However… I love professor attire. So much in fact, that it may have counteracted the soul patch :o)

3 07 2012
Wilma

Yeah, overall, I liked him a lot, so I wouldn’t say no if he asked me out again, but eventually, I would have to say something about the hair. It’s just too much.

3 07 2012
Julie

Yuk! I totally agree, I do not like the soul patch at all, even exhibit B, to me it looks like you missed a big spot while shaving! But I would have said so….hmm, maybe that’s why I haven’t found my prince either. Don’t settle. Don’t try to make them over.

3 07 2012
Wilma

I don’t know that makeovers really work anyway. At his core, the guy is always going to be someone who would let his facial hair go astray. You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right. No sense in settling, especially at #27.

3 07 2012
Chicago-Style Girl

This post is funny. I’m all for getting rid of someone for purely physical reasons. But if it’s it’s something that can– and will–be changed, then I’m a fan of biding my time. Imnalso a fan of honesty. If you cant bear kissing him with the facial hair, tell him. Best case scenario, he’ll get rid of it and there will be more kissing. Worst case, he picks the hair over you, and you’ll be fine cause he was only date #27. Likely, you just wont kiss while he weighs the pros and cons of de-moustache-ing himself. In any case, it will make a great blog post.

3 07 2012
Wilma

True, so true. Just like I am in my blog posts, I’m pretty straight-forward with people. I wouldn’t be able to kiss him again, and I will have to be honest if we go out again.

3 07 2012
Chicago-Style Girl

Here’s hoping it ends both well and interestingly.

4 07 2012
Kathy D

I completely agree with Chicago-Style Girl! IF you truly like someone, I think it’s best to be honest and say what you like. Let’s face it: if he had to go online to figure out what to wear, he could probably use some help in the appearance department. You’ve met my dad: he keeps his facial hair OCD-ly trimmed (shocker) but he shaved it all off for some girlfriend of his just so she could see what it would look like (and my dad has no chin so he REALLY needs a beard). *I* have never even seen him without facial hair, but this ex-squeeze has. So chances are he’d shave it if for no other reason than to indulge you.

Also, one of the hardest things I ever had to do was give a very nice boyfriend advice on how to kiss well (he was really sloppy and wet — bleah!). I know it hurt his feelings a bit at first, but in the long run it was good because A) the kissing improved; and B) it made him realize he could tell me about things that he’d like to be different too. It’s better to be honest. Always better.

Lastly, I have to say I have never even thought much about facial hair one way or the other, but I sure will now!

5 07 2012
Wilma

I’m not sure I had ever put this much thought into facial hair before writing this post, but then, I’ve never been so perplexed by someone’s facial hair as I was the Flavor Saver’s either.

5 07 2012
Will

This adventure is one of the top five funniest ones. Looks like you are getting closer to that right guy(man), 🙂

5 07 2012
Wilma

Thanks. Right guy? Intellectually? Yes. Follically? No.

5 07 2012
egointhesea

Hello, I have nominated you for the Lovely Blog Award. See here: http://egointhesea.wordpress.com/2012/07/05/my-first-blog-award-d/

5 07 2012
Wilma

I appreciate it. Thanks.

5 07 2012
Separated Dad

You big ninny!

Others danced around it a little but, no, not me! Seriously. You found the guy to be fun and not ugly. You found him to be intelligent. He went to some effort on your behalf to dress to please. He’s trying to be someone that works for you. And you throw him over because of a hair growth that he will certainly remove if you were ever to get serious?

You big ninny!

Call the guy up right now and ask him out again. Go somewhere completely different to see how you and he get along in a different social scenario. Tell him upfront at some point during the date that, for you, if the two of you were to ever get further, you’re really sorry but the ‘growth’ would have to go or that it would have to be trimmed (per Exhibit B). Tell him it’s a ‘thing’ for you about which you’d like to be sorry, but you’re not really. That it’s just one of those things that’s important to you.

Be sure to point out that you too are prepared to change a little to accommodate him, that this isn’t a one-way street. It might not be something right away. (Note: It’s bad news if he launches right away into a 73-point list.) After all, in the process of getting closer to someone, we have to be a little malleable to fit well unless it’s one of those one-in-a-million fairy tale meetings.

I hope you know me well enough to know that I mean nothing upsetting by the “ninny” comment. I’m just having fun with you and trying to ensure you bypass a decent-sounding guy only for compelling reasons. So far, this guy hit enough high notes for you that you should be willing to try again. Forgive me if I’m wrong, if he’s a jerk, or if I’m coming off as rude. But I promise you that I’d like to see you find someone that makes you happy.

6 07 2012
Wilma

Well, SD, such harsh language! I assure you I have been called much worse. I am happy to report that I have taken readers’ suggestions on two counts. I have made an attempt to contact The Chinaman and The Flavor Saver and I have a little email volley in the works. We will see where this leads. Stay tuned.

6 07 2012
Separated Dad

Oh yes, very harsh. I mean a darn good beating ought to follow after being called “ninny”! 🙂

Glad to hear that you have stayed in contact with two guys that intrigued you. Who knows where it will lead. At least I know I will find out here…

10 07 2012
Elder Baud

My mother always said: “you go looking for trouble, you’re likely to find it.”

16 07 2012
Wilma

At this point, “Trouble” might be my middle name.

8 07 2012
Figuring it out as I go

You scare me! I have been reading your blog for about a year now and what is interesting to me is that you look for the bad things in guys rather than the things that are good, i.e. here are all the reasons I shouldn’t date this guy. My theory with people is: 1) that you find whatever you are looking for so if you look for bad things you find them, and 2) 90% of making a relationship work is about me and not the other person

While I am not free of faults for sure, I am a pretty good guy; smart, successful, educated, attractive, athletic, still have most of my hair, and no facial hair (ha ha), but I am sure you could find something wrong with me whether it was the fact I texted you after a date to say thank you or that I had a workout bag in the back seat of my car on a date, i.e. something unimportant, and I am sure I probably make spelling mistakes; half of which were caused by my stupid IPhone autocorrecting or is it auto filling?

One thing I have learned from dating is that there are a lot of messed up people that aren’t healthy enough to be in a relationship and there are a lot of people including yours truly that are afraid of making a mistake again and are so afraid of getting hurt that they avoid the risk at all cost.

So my advice is stop looking for all the bad things in every guy you meet and start looking for the good things, and above all, start working on transforming yourself into the person how has the ability to be in a successful relationship and I am not sure dating 100 guys is the way to do that.

Good luck!

8 07 2012
Wilma

In many ways, I totally agree with you. I’ve decided I will answer all of your points in a future post. I’ve actually been thinking about discussing some of these things for quite a while.

13 07 2012
Kathy D

She’s just following doctor’s orders! But seriously, as both a friend AND reader of Wilma’s, I frequently find myself torn between wanting her to meet Mr. Right and wanting to read at least 73 more hilarious posts.

16 07 2012
Wilma

Plus, you also have to consider that my criticisms of these guys are due, in large part, to the entertainment aspect of this blog. How interesting would it be if I simply said we just didn’t have any chemistry? (Yawn)

8 07 2012
Figuring it out as I go

There you go, I got so fired up that I made a mistake typing in “how” rather than “who.” Strike one!

16 07 2012
Wilma

For the record, a thank you after a date is always appreciated, and most men fail to extend it. Second, I would never ride in your car on a first date, so you could have all the sweaty gym socks in your back seat that you wanted. Finally, texting only really becomes a problem for me when it starts to feel like stalking. Nobody likes a needy person.

9 07 2012
Kat Richter

First: love the term Flavor Saver– too funny! Second: this reminds me of my “Are Standards Shallow” post which got so many negative comments that I ended up in tears wondering if I should quit blogging all together! I still maintain that you can’t change what you like. If hair grosses you out, that’s your prerogative. One date seems hardly grounds to ask a man to shave his soul patch for you… but I do agree (and I’m sure you do as well) that trying to look past the soul patch (long and curly as it may be, LOL!) is what you should be doing. The Wedding Date has a shaved head; I used to HATE shaved heads but now I couldn’t imagine him any other way and frankly, everything else about him is great enough that I don’t really care about his hair or lack thereof. (Then again, you would probably prefer a guy with a shaved head… at least I’m not dealing with a potentially crummy situation, pun intended) 🙂

16 07 2012
Wilma

I totally agree. It really depends more on the total package. I, for example, have found that, given the right guy, the “Tall Enough To Ride the Ride” rule is much less important for me than I initially thought.

10 07 2012
Elder Baud

While Billy Joel had it right regarding the fundamentals of who you and a partner are (“Don’t go changin’ to try to please me…”), a normal part of any solid relationship is small accommodations for your partner’s preferences. For example, my fiancée usually pulls her hair back when I’m not around, but with me she wears it down, She knows that I prefer it that way. In response, I idly play with her hair more when it’s down, which she loves. So this little deal becomes a win for both of us.

Your question of when one can start to discuss such accommodations is on target – a first date is often not the time. But starting with “makeover”?? Oy.

Separated Dad has a good point. You too should be ready to accommodate, but not to fundamentally change. Finding the line between the two is part of the fun. That’s where you discover what you can live with and what over the line. If the line is drawn so that its either an exact match or in the trash, that might not be conducive to finding an actual human that you can be with long term.

16 07 2012
Wilma

See my comment to Kat above. I don’t think there are any hard lines. Well, maybe there are when it comes to psychos, assholes, and abusive men. They’re out for sure.

12 07 2012
Ditto

On the other side of the fence: sometimes dating is not about finding “the right one whom I will live with happily ever after until death or divorce do us part”. Sometimes dating is about determining that we are happiest uncoupled.

16 07 2012
Wilma

Yes, and when I write my post in response to these comments, I will write about one of the deal breakers about which I would rather remain single than compromise.

16 07 2012
wowmom

WOW! What a great blog! Certainly brought forth a lot of comments.

If one had no expectations, then one would accept any and every man.

The point in learning who you are and what you are compatible with is a process and that’s what this dating 100 men perscription is all about.

To some people, the “flavor savor” may appear to be critical. However, as one dates, one learns what red flags come up, what one can live with or not. One also learns when a bright light comes on ……. “hey, that’s exactly what I was hoping to find.”

Having spent a few years dating after my divorce, prior to meeting my current husband of 10 years, I knew what was important to me and what was necessary in order to have a good relationship. I was no longer willing to settle just because some guy thought he was right for me. There was criteria to meet and when that happened, Mr. Right has been the man for whom I was looking. We’ve had an enjoyable 10 years!

If I look back at the beginning of your Dating Perscription, and the blogs you wrote then, and the current ones, you have really evolved as a person and I have enjoyed watching you grow. You’ve blossomed from a woman whom your ex thought he could walk over the top of to a woman who now is learning who she is without him, how good it feels and what she wants in a future relationship.

The right man will be his own person in his own skin and won’t be afraid of the wonderful person that you are.

You GO GIRL!!!!!!

16 07 2012
Wilma

Thanks!

18 07 2012
Yes, I’m A Picky Bitch « My Dating Prescription

[…] a picky bitch, or, at the very least, I’m a ninny.  It seems the recap of my date with Man #27, The Flavor Saver, got under the skin of a few folks, prompting a number of comments informing me I am too shallow […]

23 07 2012
The Leading Man and Important Lessons « My Dating Prescription

[…] the little discussion that erupted over Man #27, The Flavor Saver made me realize I had never followed up to tell you about what happened with Man #24, The Leading […]

25 07 2012
Man #28, The Chinaman « My Dating Prescription

[…] women and all of my cast-offs. I suppose that way, if a woman is looking for a man with a flavor saver shaped like a little bird feeder, she can have him. The Karaoke Kripple could go to a woman with Florence Nightingale Syndrome. And, […]

15 08 2012
Man #31, The Defense Rests « My Dating Prescription

[…] and I saw a face I liked. He also had lips I liked. He had a goatee, but he had no out of control flavor saver and the lips were good. Actually, the eyes were good too. He had light brown eyes. Plus, in his […]

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