Man #29, The Kept Man…The Aftermath

4 08 2012

You may find it shocking to know that I don’t spend every Friday and Saturday night out on a date. In fact, I usually reserve those nights for time with my good friends or family. Last night was no different. My friend, Sam invited me over to hang out with her and her boyfriend, Really Really Nice Guy.

She offered up vino and time in her hot tub in exchange for a helping of my sage chips. This is a typical thing for me. I get invited to places, all expenses paid, in exchange for my cooking. Most people have to sing for their supper. For me, it’s the other way around.

Really Really Nice Guy had gathered fresh sage from Sam’s garden, and she had a craving. When I arrived, I was quickly handed a glass of wine and got to work in her kitchen. As I was standing over hot oil flipping sage leaves with tongs, we started talking about my recent adventures in dating. I started telling her about The Kept Man and how promising emails had quickly devolved into the discovery that the man was a slob and a sponge.

“You mean you broke up with him because of his landscaping,” Sam asked, incredulous.

“No, correction, I did not break up with him. We were never together. You can’t break up with someone if you were never together.”

“Ok, so you stopped seeing him because of his landscaping?”

“You can’t call what he had landscaping, and, no, it wasn’t just because of that.”

Sam happens to be one of the people who has been giving me a hard time about being too picky. She says I should define three deal breakers, and if a man passes those three things, I should consider him a solid dating prospect. I happen to think Sam is full of shit.

Besides, what does she know? She has Really Really Nice Guy. Really Really Nice Guy does really, really nice things for her. She couldn’t possibly know my pain.

“You should pick three things, like Rhonda, and stick to them,” Sam said.

Rhonda is another friend of ours. She has three deal breakers. One is that a guy has to be okay with her bush. She’s not shaving for anyone. The second is they have to be okay with her porn. What can I say? Girlfriend likes her porn. I can’t remember what the other one is, but anyway, Sam thinks this is the approach I should take.

Of course, that means I would have to define my three deal breakers. Believe it or not, one of them is not, “You must be at least this tall to ride this ride.” However, these are relationship deal breakers, not dating deal breaker. I’m not having relationships yet, and I don’t think I’m going to talk about bush or no bush on a first date.

I don’t know what my deal breakers would be. I’ll have to get back to you on that.

So, anyway…where were we?

Oh yeah, so Sam was giving me a hard time about dropping The Kept Man like a hot potato.

“Ok, for the record, I did not stop talking to him just because his house was a mess. The guy was a mooch. He’s sponging off of his ex-wife and then he can’t even get off his ass long enough to make sure that people can get to his front door.”

I couldn’t tell for sure, but I think Really Really Nice Guy agreed with me on this. From what I could tell, he’s been doing a great job keeping things together at their place. In addition to fixing things around the house, he cooks.

Sam was still looking at me in disbelief, and it was starting to piss me off so I continued.

“Besides, what do you know? You always meet guys who want to fix things,” I say, waving the tongs in Really Really Nice Guy’s direction, “I always meet men who break things, and I’m sick of it! I’ve had that argument before. When STBex and I were together one of the STUPID things we fought about all the time was the yard. It was ridiculous! Anytime I asked him to mow the grass it ended up in a big fight.”

I’m a tall woman, almost six feet, and I’ve always had a big voice, probably from all those years of using my diaphragm to project my voice in choir. Then when I get upset, I get louder. I continued on my diatribe.

“Do you know that one time when we were fighting over the yard, I asked STBex, if since he didn’t want to mow the lawn, if he would be ok hiring someone? Do you know what he said?? He told me he wasn’t going to hire anyone, but I could. He was totally fine to let our house look like we were the white trash neighbors on the street, and if I wanted it to look any differently, it was up to me to pay for it. Believe me, fighting over taking care of our home is not something I’m willing to fight about again. It’s a stupid argument to have! Stupid!”

Phew! I was spent. I took a big swig of my wine.

“I’m not doing that again,” I said, putting my glass down, “I would rather be alone than argue about something as stupid as taking care of my home. The next man who gets to share a home with me is going to care about himself, his home, his family, and ME goddamnit.”

And just like that I had my first deal breaker.

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8 responses

4 08 2012
The Byronic Man

When my wife got pregnant and we were reading various “FAQ’s”, one that came up a lot was women asking for help about how to get their husbands to clean the cat litter box. Because even though it could potentially transmit highly dangerous diseases, so many men refused to take 45 seconds and clean a litter box that it warranted an FAQ in multiple “So you’re expecting” sites. Unbelievable.

5 08 2012
Wilma

Wow, I guess maybe that’s a precursor to how they will feel about changing diapers. Way to be helpful!

4 08 2012
Jen

Just a warning, I may go off on your friend Sam. Sam is completely full of shit and clearly has absolutely no clue what it is like to date as an adult. Do not listen to her. You are not being to picky. It’s ok to have 3 criteria when you are 18 and in college and life is simple. Life is much more complex as we get older and it becomes much more difficult to mesh your life with someone when life ha shaped is all with many different perspectives, expectations, and experiences. To limit your decision to three things is just stupid. I hope really really nice guy dumps her so that she has to go on just one date so she can see how frustrating, disappointing, and time wasting dating can be. Only then will she have a valid opinion to share with you.

5 08 2012
Wilma

Believe it or not, Sam (not her real name) has done her share of dating, but she doesn’t have any kids and has never been married. I still don’t think 3 deal breakers in realistic.

4 08 2012
wow

I agree with Jen….

AND your step dad, after listening to your last two blogs about Kept Man says: “You don’t have to settle! & REMEMBER I TOLD YOU BEFORE, YOU ARE THE PRIZE…. You’re doing the right thing by dating more than one guy!!!!”

BTW, the voice getting louder… is genetic…. your grama did that, your mom does it too. Well, I guess we too sang in choir!!!!

The sage leaves sound “vonderful” Enuf said… hugs..

5 08 2012
Wilma

I sometimes wish step dad would have been around earlier. He would have been a very good, strong male influence. You should tell him that I said he’s awesome.

4 08 2012
Kathy D

I’m not going to “go off” on Sam; everyone has a right to his or her own opinion. I’m just sayin’ my opinion is more like yours. If *I* were the one being a stay-at-home parent and my husband was the high-powered breadwinner, I’d want to earn my damn keep. Goes both ways. Plus, if you allow your house to look like shit, what the hell else do you let slide? I’m the craziest cat lady ever, but my cats don’t wander around on the damn counter! At least not in my presence. Standards, people! If you raise your expectations, the good ones will try to meet them. Lower your expectations and you don’t end up with what you want. Period.

5 08 2012
Wilma

I agree. It seems like some people don’t think about first impressions, the state of their home or car, and standards very much. When STBex and I were still together and going to counseling, the counselor had suggested that we try to rise to the higher standard. STBex just felt like the therapist was taking my side and got defensive. After that experience, I believe that sloppy grooming or an unkept home is a sign of a man who is not going to pull his weight in the relationship. I could be totally wrong about that, but it’s based on my experience.

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