Man #32, Ye Olde Bachelor

19 08 2012

After the emotional roller coaster I put myself through over Man #31, I still had the problem of telling him about the blog and getting his reaction to reading it before proceeding with a second date. Reasons 11 and 12 of my 13 reasons for Man #31 not to date me were:

11.   After my husband left, I started writing a blog called My Dating Prescription of which I doubt you would approve.

12.   I use profanity liberally, not so much on a daily basis in the way I speak, but in the writing of the above blog.  I also get the impression that you would want a woman who is a little more lady-like.

So, after Man #31 read my 13 reasons not to date me and said he would still like to go out with me again, I insisted that he take a look at the blog and try to get a sense of what exactly he would be getting himself into. These days, it takes a little while to get through the blog. I’ve written 127 blog posts and most of my posts are between 800 and 1200 words. That’s anywhere from 100,000 and 150,000 words. Let’s face it. This dating prescription is starting to feel like a dating epic.

Anyway, while I waited for Man #31’s reaction and questions, I continued on my dating journey.

I had received an email from a man who said he was an active 47-year-old engineer. He was an avid cyclist, so the tale I recount on my online dating profile of my bicycle crash on Lake Washington Boulevard a few years ago had caught his attention. He had apparently had a similar crash, but, rather than landing on his head like I had done, he landed on his hip and broke it.

And, no, landing on my head does not account for my mental state. I’ve always been a little twisted. This isn’t something recent.

Anyway, Man #32 could sympathize with my extended physical therapy experience, and after we talked bikes, he asked me out on a date.

Even through his emails, however, I got a vibe that he was not very adventurous, maybe even a little OCD. He had never been married nor had any children, and it felt like he liked things a certain way, probably a little too uptight for me. Regardless, it was just a date, right?

His desire for control revealed itself more when we started to plan where we were going to go on our date. Although he asked for my suggestions, which I supplied, he promptly vetoed them and decided he wanted to meet at Latona Pub. He did not live in Seattle, but he had gone to Latona Pub before, and apparently, felt comfortable there. I’m willing to go just about anywhere as long as a man isn’t asking me to go eat glorified fast food, like Red Robin or Azteca, so I agreed.

We were supposed to meet at 6 p.m., and I arrived before Man #32. The pub was crowded, so I had to sit at the bar between two handsome men in their thirties. Poor me. While deciding on my beer, I struck up a conversation with both of them. They both recommended the stout, and although I don’t usually drink stouts in the summertime, I went ahead and followed their recommendations.

Man #32 arrived and instead of looking 47 he looked 57. He was wearing a brown silk t-shirt, a tan blazer, and khaki pants. His fiery red hair, although mostly missing on the top, had been sculpted up to a height of about an inch and a half above his scalp and then combed back to cover what was a very large bald spot. The whole thing was sort of see-through, and yet, with the light behind him, it glowed, like a fiery orange halo.

Since Ye Olde Bachelor had arrived, we were able to get a table. I said goodbye to my thirty-something companions. They sort of looked at the two of us as if they could tell we were on a first date, and I suddenly felt self-conscious. Even after we were seated, I noticed people looking at us, like maybe they were wondering what brought the two of us together. I typically get comments that I look 8 years younger than my age, and he clearly looked much older than most 47 year olds.

I always wonder how much men lie about their age.

When we started to order food, Ye Olde Bachelor commented on the restrictive diet he follows, and I started to wonder if that was the reason why his skin looked so old. He made me feel uncomfortable about choosing what I wanted from the menu. He wanted to share something, but then, he was restricted on what he was willing it eat.

It was a fucking pain in the ass if you want to know the truth.

Now, it’s not that I have to have my way all the time. I really don’t, but I started thinking that if a man can’t even give up enough control on a first date to let a woman order what she wants off a bar menu, what would a relationship with him be like? I’ve had experiences where a man ordered my meal for me and it was wonderful. When I was in Rome, for example, I had dinner with a handsome Italian man, and letting him order for me, so I could experience things I didn’t know, was fabulous.

However, Ye Olde Bachelor ordered the chicken quesadilla.

Oh yey!

Throughout the date I made polite conversation, but I was never able to relax. His mannerisms and questions just seemed very uptight and judgemental, and quite frankly, I was not attracted to him at all what with the orange halo and all.

As we left the bar, he walked me towards my car and asked if he could have my email address. He wanted to stay in touch. This is where I did that thing guys do when they say, “I’ll call you.”

I said, “I’ll email it to you.”

“Ok,” he said.

I walked away, got in my car, and drove home. Later than night, I sent Ye Olde Bachelor an email through OkCupid thanking him for the date. I did not include my personal email address.

The next day, I received an email from him. He said,

“I guess since you did not give your email address and/or phone number you don’t want to pursue it further. It’s OK, I thought you were nice but not a strong vibe, huh?”

Rather than just leave him hanging in silence, I responded,

“I had a nice time, but with further thought, felt there were some areas where we differ enough that it would difficult to pursue a relationship.  Thanks for meeting me though.  I had a nice evening and I enjoyed our conversation.”

Onward.

Photo here.





You Want to Interview Me?

19 08 2012

Online dating sucks, and, yet, I keep doing it. It remains the easiest way for a woman my age to meet men. However, sometimes I just have to shake my head and wonder.  Where do these winners come from?

Actually, this guy said he was from Brooklyn, New York. It is my belief that he is employing a method I like to call “spray and pray.” Basically, he sends out the same email to hundreds of different women and waits to see who bites. This is the email I received from him through OkCupid yesterday, and because it made me laugh, I decided to share it.

“I saw your profile and was captivating and begin to ask my self what an angel in disguise….lol… well for ur information am writing an essay on beautiful things….so u need to interviewed by me……I Must Confess That You Are An Appealing Sight To See….Could I Have The Honor Of Knowing You if you dont mind?? We could get to chat and get to know eachother more better.”

I don’t know. Something tells me he’s not really a writer, but maybe my readers know more better than I. What do you think?





Things That Make You Go Hmm

19 07 2012

I’ve written pretty extensively about the things men say and do to make me head in the opposite direction. In My Daily 5 – My Online Dating Profile Rant, I listed several things that I see repeatedly in online dating profiles, and why you shouldn’t use them.

In Emails, Emails Everywhere and Not a One to Read, I shared some of the criteria I use in my decision-making process when determining whether or not to respond to a man’s email.

But today, I’m afraid we need a whole new category. I am starting a new category called Profile Photo Fail, and I believe we’ve got ourselves a winner. Consider it a depository for bad online dating profile photos.

I hope the guy with the profile isn’t the one under the vase in this photo.

Actually, this photo requires a caption contest.  Except a contest needs a prize. What to give away? What to give away? Hmm.

Ok. Until I can think of something better, or come up with a line of MDP merchandise, how about some blogger love. Write your caption in the comments section from now until next Friday, July 27th, and the winner will become blogger or reader of the month. I’ll put a link to your website or blog in my sidebar. Sound good?

Oh, and by the way, the photo just happened as all strange things in online dating do. You know, you’re just cruising along, reading through someone’s profile, when all of a sudden something makes you say, “Oh my god, what the fuck is that?” Except, in this case, for once, it didn’t happen to me. This photo was sent to me by a friend.

The contest idea, however, I’m totally stealing that from The Byronic Man. You should go check out his blog and the blog of his doppelgänger, Go Jules Go.

I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

Happy Dating!





My 30 Minutes of Fame

16 07 2012

Flora M. Brown, PhD.

It has come to pass. I am a dating expert. I go to parties, people find out that I write a dating blog, and I spend the rest of the night talking about dating.

I am also a Wizpert.  You can find the Wizpert button in the sidebar of this blog.

Now, I’m doing Blog Talk Radio interviews.  Dr. Flora M. Brown of Color Your Life Happy interviewed me this morning.  Check out “A Dating Prescription May be Just What the Doctor Ordered.”  I’d love to get your comments and questions, and as usual, feel free to tell me that you think I’m full of shit if the mood strikes you.

Alternatively, this will make a great drinking game.  Get a group of friends together; listen to my radio interview; and drink every time I say the word, “um.”  You should be plastered in no time.

Cheers!

Flora’s photo is here.

Listen to internet radio with Flora M Brown PhD on Blog Talk Radio





Man #26, The “Masseur”

1 07 2012

Once I had my profile started on OkCupid, it was time to cruise around and see what the site had to offer. It wasn’t long before someone messaged me, so I diverted from my searching and had to go check him out.

He was an Asian man, and before I could even finish reading his profile, he was sending me another message.  It read:

“I like your profile.  Are you available to meet for coffee this afternoon?”

Well, now, that’s direct.  None of this passive-aggressive, send a million emails back and forth without ever asking for a date kind of bullshit for this guy.  What did I have to lose?  The worst thing that would happen was that I would have my first OkCupid date and I’d get another date checked off my list of 100.

Now, before you question my methods and my sanity, I’d like to state for the record that I’m no dummy.  I recognize the fact that:

  1. A man who asks to meet without finding anything out about me is probably not really interested in ME.
  2. A man who asks for a coffee date is not particularly worried about impressing me.

I could momentarily give him the benefit of the doubt and consider that my online profile was so amazing he just had to meet me without asking any more questions, but you’ll have to excuse my skepticism, especially since only about a third of my profile was actually completed at that point.  Also, given the number of women who have told me they were propositioned after a coffee date, I figured I knew what this guy was actually interested in.

Code words:  “Let’s meet for coffee.”

Translation:  “Let me see if I can hit it and quit it.”

Good luck Man #26.  I wasn’t born yesterday.

Anyway, after several coffee dates, I am now a bona-fide, card-carrying Starbuck’s gold card member, so I asked him to meet me at a Starbucks in my neighborhood.  I might as well be earning points and free drinks while I’m going on all of these dates.

I arrived, and he looked nice enough, and, by that, I mean he was a nice enough looking man in the face.  However, people always talk about mom jeans, but you never hear anyone say anything about dad jeans.  This guy was wearing dad jeans.  If that term doesn’t exist, I’m making it up.  The jeans were a heavy, light-colored denim, a little too high-waisted, and did not fit him well.  I’ve been noticing men over 45 seem to be sporting these, and if I may turn this dating blog into a fashion blog for just a second, I just have to say; lose the fucking old man jeans!  They are not doing you any favors.  They make you look like you have a load in your pants.  Please, please, please, do yourself a favor, guys, and invest in a straight-leg, dark-wash pair of jeans.  If they have a slight fade on the thighs, that’s good, but don’t make it too drastic or light in color.  I just saw a man walking down the street in some dark-wash jeans like I’ve described last night, and he looked hot.  You want to look hot.  You don’t want to look like you can pack a pair of Depends in your pants.

But I digress.  Thank you for allowing me that mini rant.

Ok, back to dating blog.

Anyway, Man #26 was standing there in his dad jeans, waiting for his drink when I arrived, so I walked up, introduced myself, and then went to order a coffee with my gold card.  One date closer to 100 and one drink closer to a free grande skinny mocha.

We got our drinks, sat down at a table outside, and started talking.  Within a few minutes he told me about his occupation and then quickly added that he also did massage.  I asked him if massage was something he had studied and become licensed in or if it was just an interest of his.  No, he just gave really good massages.

That’s nice.

We talked a little more, and, pretty soon, he mentioned again that he gave really good massages.

This was obviously important to him, so I decided to take the bait.

“Oh really.  What kind of massage do you do?” I asked.

“I give really deep massage.  I’ve been doing it for a really long time.  Do you like massage?”

“Sure. Who doesn’t like a massage?”

He started talking about how he couldn’t have dates at his house because he had kids at home, and asked if I have kids at home.

“Yes, I do,” I answered, “I also have a pit bull who’s really happy to meet new people.”

“You have a pit bull?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

As you know, if you’re a regular reader, when I bring up my dog, I’m normally talking about how sweet and loyal he is, but don’t think I won’t use a pit bull to my advantage if I have to.  As far as I could tell, this guy, for whatever reason, maybe he was married, maybe his kids really were at the house, he did not want me to go to his place.  He did, however, want to come to mine.  Plus, let’s not forget; he wanted to give me a massage.

It sounded like a lead in to a cheesy porno.

I asked him if he had been on OkCupid long and mentioned that I hadn’t even finished filling out my profile yet.

“I’m surprised you could get enough information about me to know you wanted to go on a date,” I said.

“Well, I liked what I saw,” he replied.

I had, in fact, posted my photo.  That part was finished, but, other than that, I had only typed some nerdy crap about being an INTJ and then stated under the other sections that my profile was a work in progress.

A few minutes later, I was again being told what a great massage Man #26 could give me.  It was time to stab him in the eyeball with my drinking straw.

It was sort of like Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman” when he keeps insisting that he can drive, “I”m an excellent driver.”

“I’m an excellent masseur.”

See.  Same thing.

After about 45 minutes of this massage nonsense, I had basically had enough and told The Masseur that I had a lot of work to do.  I needed to get back to it without a massage.

Have a nice day.

Check.

Just another date closer to 100.





Ok, I’ll Try OkCupid

29 06 2012

If you are a reader who has been following my adventures since the beginning, you may have wondered how I happened to get an email from my STBex on OkCupid if I wasn’t on OkCupid.  Well, the truth is; I’m now on OkCupid.

Last year, when I initially set up my online dating profiles, I was unfamiliar with the dating sites that had not existed before I met STBex.  I was aware of eHarmony and match.com, but the free sites like PlentyofFish and OkCupid were new to me.  If you have been reading from the beginning, you may recall that, because I received a message that my computer was attacked by malware while I was browsing OkCupid, I had decided to forego creating a profile on that site at that time.

I had settled on a paid subscription on match.com and a free profile on Plentyoffish.

Despite my failure to create a profile on OkCupid, they apparently had enough information about me to send a birthday message last year, which, although I was pissed to get a notice that I was a year older, served as a reminder that I should go broaden the age range of men I’m interested in on the other dating sites.  Even at that point, however, I refused to fill out an online dating profile on OkCupid.  Over the past year, however, I’ve talked to some of my friends and readers and discovered that quite a few of them were using OkCupid to meet people.  I try to keep an open mind about these things, so I finally decided to go check it out in more detail, malware or not.

Quite honestly, my newfound interest in OkCupid really came down to two things.  First, my six month free membership with match.com, which I had managed to score by qualifying for their guarantee, ran out, and they automatically billed me $107 for another year.  I called match.com’s customer service and had the charges reversed.  Quite frankly, I couldn’t justify the price.  I had only gone on 7 dates from match.com in a year.  That’s $15.29 plus tax per date!  Now, some of you romantics out there might be thinking,…

…getting winked at,…$8.92 per month,…

…coffee date with a man from match.com,…$15.29 + coffee

…meeting the man of your dreams…priceless,

…but I don’t think so.  Ok, maybe, yes, meeting the man of my dreams would be priceless, but I don’t think I’m going to find him on match.com.  I just don’t think so.

First of all, you have to remember that I am extremely cheap, by which I mean frugal. Plus, I have no evidence to prove that my $15 dates were of any better quality than my free dates from Plentyoffish and Craigslist.  In fact, when it comes to bang for my buck…

…wait…no,…sadly, I can’t say that.

There has been no banging.

(Sigh)

Anyway, what I was going to say was that, despite the horror stories one hears about Craigslist, the two free ads I had placed on Craigslist had resulted in far more dates than any of the time and energy I had put into creating and editing my online dating profiles.  Furthermore, I have had a number of dates from Craigslist that have gone quite nicely, so, consequently, I just didn’t see the point in paying $107 dollars plus tax for another year of being winked at by men on match.com who never seem to ask anyone out.  I politely insisted that Match reverse the charges on my credit card and hide my profile.

It’s official.  I am no longer on match.com.

The other factor affecting my decision to try OkCupid was that I have come to believe that there are no literate men on Plentyoffish.  You may recall the creepy, poorly worded email I received last year.  Sadly, this email is representative of most of the messages I have received from men on Plentyoffish.  Most men will forego saying anything about my feet, but, as far as grammar and spelling are concerned, this is pretty much what communication on Plentyoffish looks like.

Plus, Plentyoffish has this feature called “Meet Me,” where you can simply click through a series of pictures and click yes or no as to whether or not you would like to meet the person in the picture.  I swear; every time I receive an email telling me someone wants to meet me, I open it, and have the same reaction that occurs when I find a long forgotten container in the back of my refrigerator, pop it open, and discover something truly sickening inside.  We’re talking fear and gag reflex in one motion as I race to close it.  Because of this, I have gotten to the point where I don’t even open “Meet Me” emails from Plentyoffish anymore.  I also don’t open the weekly email I receive telling me that I have new matches.  If I receive an actual email from a man on Plentyoffish, I will go check it out.   Let’s face it, sometimes it’s just damned amusing and makes for good blog fodder.

I don’t want to say that all of my Plentyoffish dates have been bad.  That’s not true.  I have had a few good ones, but the ratio of good dates and emails to bad is just far too low.

All this is to say that I had become tired of the fish on Plentyoffish, and I was ready for a change, hence my decision to finally give OkCupid a try.  OkCupid has an interesting feature where they ask questions, and then match people up by the percentage of questions you have that are similar.  Therefore, when you look at a person’s profile, it will say something like,

95% Match, 89% Friend, 10% Enemy.

Now, this I find rather interesting.   There seems to be an unlimited supply of questions to answer.  One guy I found had answered upwards of 1400 questions.  I have not answered anywhere close to that amount, but it did make me wonder about something.  You have to remember that, with my new MBA, I have taken statistics.  As a person answers more and more questions on OkCupid does a linear regression occur allowing for increased accuracy in the site’s matching capability?

Now, I’m probably WAY over-thinking this.  After all, some of the questions on OkCupid are pretty stupid.  Perhaps with more questions answered you are more likely to be matched with a drunken college student, for that is who I think may have written a lot of these questions.  However, it does make you wonder, and it is rather comforting to be able to cruise through the answers and discover that the man you might be interested in…

…does not want to be peed on during sex,

or

…does not think it’s ok to tell racist jokes,

or

…does not want an open relationship.

Pick your poison.

So, anyway, there you have it.  I am officially on OkCupid, and I’ve already had three dates, which I will tell you about very soon.  Have a great weekend.





Big Fish

2 03 2012

Ok, I know I said I would not be responding to emails sent by men who posed with dead fish in their profile pictures, but I may need to reconsider.








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